Have you ever been the perpetrator of an illusion? I'm not talking about the David Blaine or Chris Angel type of illusion (actually I am but I'll explain that in a minute). I'm talking about an illusion where the truth was obscured and the only thing that mattered is what other people believed for the moment.
I guess this is a follow up to my pretty lies post since an illusion is just a lie that serves our immediate need (ie. we wave our magic wands and for a second others believe that we can walk on water, or make an elephant disappear, or ...).
I'm seeing it more and more. People crafting words, situations, interactions to hide an underlying truth. So, I guess the question I have is:
"Do we create illusions not for others, but to hide from ourselves?" and of course the next question ... "Do we create illusions to make our true selves disappear?"
We use euphemistic language to hide real underlying conditions (just see George Carlin's discussion on euphemisms), and we use illusions to hide the truth from others and from ourselves. That's the tough one ... the pretty lie ... because the true is so hard to see ... it is so tough to look into the mirror that we actually create magic to hide the elephant in the room. It's easier to make it look like we disappeared than it is to see/acknowledge the truth.
And it is ingrained in our culture. In many cultures ... saving face (hiding the truth via illusions of happiness so others don't see the problems) ... euphemisms ... it has almost come to the point where people expect illusions.
So here is the test ... here is the challenge ...
When you find yourself doing something only for the benefit of what someone else believes at the moment ... STOP ...
STOP the illusion ... do what Penn and Teller have done for years ... draw back the curtain and expose the trick ... expose the illusion and see what happens when people see the man behind the curtain ... And not just people, but see what happens when you see behind the illusion ...
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Pretty Lies
Recently I've been reading a book entitled "Leadership and Self-deception" which describes a pattern of rationalization and self-justification not just at a personal level but at a leadership level. The author calls this self-deception a disease which is an amazing statement giving tangible attributes to behavior based problem. I call it "pretty lies".
We all tell ourselves pretty lies on a daily basis. Rationalizations that allow us to continue doing our daily actions without ever needing to look at the real underlying reasons, feeling the emotions tied to our lies, or examine the belief systems that got us here in the first place.
But the thinking and beliefs that got us here and give birth to these pretty lies is not the thinking and beliefs that will get us to where we want to be. So the question is
"How do we stop lying to ourselves when lying feels so good?"
It is the same question as what is posed in the "Leadership and Self-Deception" book.
Well that is a damn good question and is a core concept I am exploring in this blog. The search for the truth, the Red-pill/Blue-pill Matrix question.
Awareness is the first step in the process. Awareness that your behavior is in opposition to your words. When you say X, but behave Y, you are telling yourself a lie that supports Y (ie. saying I'm not a smoker while puffing away on a cigarette).
Awareness that your behavior is guiding you in a direction different than your words (ie. education is important to me, but I'm taking two years off to travel).
So, look at your behaviors. If they are different they your words, change your words to fit your behaviors. Your behaviors are demonstrating what you really want. I know that is tough, but describe to yourself your behaviors, as clearly as possible. Now look at your words and you'll discover your lies. The disconnect between your behavior and your words.
Now here comes the fun part. CHANGE ONE ... EITHER CHANGE YOUR WORDS, OR CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR ... BUT YOUR WORDS AND YOUR BEHAVIOR NEED TO MATCH.
I guarantee you'll get the following: "Do I really behave like that?" and "Do I really believe that?"
The sudden congruence between words and actions is frightening. The truth staring you in the mirror is nerve wracking.
But it is this congruence that makes all the difference.
See you on the wire
-- Steven Cardinale
We all tell ourselves pretty lies on a daily basis. Rationalizations that allow us to continue doing our daily actions without ever needing to look at the real underlying reasons, feeling the emotions tied to our lies, or examine the belief systems that got us here in the first place.
But the thinking and beliefs that got us here and give birth to these pretty lies is not the thinking and beliefs that will get us to where we want to be. So the question is
"How do we stop lying to ourselves when lying feels so good?"
It is the same question as what is posed in the "Leadership and Self-Deception" book.
Well that is a damn good question and is a core concept I am exploring in this blog. The search for the truth, the Red-pill/Blue-pill Matrix question.
Awareness is the first step in the process. Awareness that your behavior is in opposition to your words. When you say X, but behave Y, you are telling yourself a lie that supports Y (ie. saying I'm not a smoker while puffing away on a cigarette).
Awareness that your behavior is guiding you in a direction different than your words (ie. education is important to me, but I'm taking two years off to travel).
So, look at your behaviors. If they are different they your words, change your words to fit your behaviors. Your behaviors are demonstrating what you really want. I know that is tough, but describe to yourself your behaviors, as clearly as possible. Now look at your words and you'll discover your lies. The disconnect between your behavior and your words.
Now here comes the fun part. CHANGE ONE ... EITHER CHANGE YOUR WORDS, OR CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR ... BUT YOUR WORDS AND YOUR BEHAVIOR NEED TO MATCH.
I guarantee you'll get the following: "Do I really behave like that?" and "Do I really believe that?"
The sudden congruence between words and actions is frightening. The truth staring you in the mirror is nerve wracking.
But it is this congruence that makes all the difference.
See you on the wire
-- Steven Cardinale
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Show Me, Don't Tell Me
There is an old Rush song on their Presto album called "Show me don't tell me" (see the Youtube video). The title of this song is the perfect fit for this post which could be titled "Arrogance vs. Self Assurance", but "show me don't tell me" seemed to fit so much better, because this post is just another facet to being alpha.
I know that a running theme in this blog is having an alpha status (alpha male, but male has nothing to do with it). And part of having an alpha status is understanding that showing qualities is the only thing that counts, and telling of good qualities not only doesn't ring true to others, but demonstrates insecurities.
Alright, so this theme has been flying around my interactions quite a bit lately. In fact, just being aware (which will be the subject of a future post) of showing and not telling, has been a big part of last week. It seems that many people are constantly telling me how wonderful they are: how smart, how charming, how good looking, how adventurous, how driven, how passionate, how successful, how rich, how determined ... but the mere fact that they are telling me implies that they are not any of those things. In fact people who are good looking, charming, smart, successful, wealthy, determined, spend their time being those things and don't spend their time talking about it.
As is typical of my analysis, if you push something to it's limit you can get an interesting thought experiment, so let's push this: George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, and all the other good looking actors in Hollywood, don't spend time telling you how attractive they are. In fact they are rather shy. Rather they simply show up and people quickly figure out they are attractive ... and ALPHA.
ALPHA's ... ie leaders of the pack ... don't have to tell you they are XXX, they simply are XXX and it shows through.
So, here is the question of the week:
"How do I make sure that people see I'm XXX (which is being self-assured) and not tell people I'm XXX (which is being arrogant)?"
Simple. Make sure to let people know what you've accomplished in a simple and non-pretentious way and they will quickly understand where you fall in the pack. Let me give you a couple of examples:
* If you want people to know you are smart, then create, post, write, lecture, blog about interesting topics
* If you want people to know you are good looking then dress in style, go to events where you'll be seen, take fashion chances
* If you want people to know you are driven, then make sure that you accomplish many things that are difficult for others
Basically if you want to be remarkable, then do remarkable things (see my previous post on being remarkable).
Or better yet if you are truly alpha, then just simply do those things and don't worry about anyone else knowing you are doing them. Just doing them is enough for you.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
I know that a running theme in this blog is having an alpha status (alpha male, but male has nothing to do with it). And part of having an alpha status is understanding that showing qualities is the only thing that counts, and telling of good qualities not only doesn't ring true to others, but demonstrates insecurities.
Alright, so this theme has been flying around my interactions quite a bit lately. In fact, just being aware (which will be the subject of a future post) of showing and not telling, has been a big part of last week. It seems that many people are constantly telling me how wonderful they are: how smart, how charming, how good looking, how adventurous, how driven, how passionate, how successful, how rich, how determined ... but the mere fact that they are telling me implies that they are not any of those things. In fact people who are good looking, charming, smart, successful, wealthy, determined, spend their time being those things and don't spend their time talking about it.
As is typical of my analysis, if you push something to it's limit you can get an interesting thought experiment, so let's push this: George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, and all the other good looking actors in Hollywood, don't spend time telling you how attractive they are. In fact they are rather shy. Rather they simply show up and people quickly figure out they are attractive ... and ALPHA.
ALPHA's ... ie leaders of the pack ... don't have to tell you they are XXX, they simply are XXX and it shows through.
So, here is the question of the week:
"How do I make sure that people see I'm XXX (which is being self-assured) and not tell people I'm XXX (which is being arrogant)?"
Simple. Make sure to let people know what you've accomplished in a simple and non-pretentious way and they will quickly understand where you fall in the pack. Let me give you a couple of examples:
* If you want people to know you are smart, then create, post, write, lecture, blog about interesting topics
* If you want people to know you are good looking then dress in style, go to events where you'll be seen, take fashion chances
* If you want people to know you are driven, then make sure that you accomplish many things that are difficult for others
Basically if you want to be remarkable, then do remarkable things (see my previous post on being remarkable).
Or better yet if you are truly alpha, then just simply do those things and don't worry about anyone else knowing you are doing them. Just doing them is enough for you.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Monday, November 24, 2008
Are You Remarkable?
Am I Remarkable? That is a very interesting question, from a personal as well as a business point of view. One of the marketing pundits out there (Seth Godin) has an entire blog post about it. Really the question is:
"Am I being valuable to others?"
Valuable enough for them to remark on me (hence the "remarkable" part).
This post is about personal value. I believe that all human relationships must provide value from both sides of the relationship, otherwise very quickly (and I'm talking hours/days/weeks ... not months/years/decades), the relationship will wither and die. And this value must constantly be provided. You must constantly be valuable ... be remarkable ... but WHY?
Why? Because the person on the other side of the relationship is spending time, energy, value, on you to maintain the relationship, and if you don't offer value in return, they will spend that time, energy, value somewhere else where they can receive something in return. It is self-centered and self-deceptive not to do so, and very few relationships will survive when one side is giving most of the value. You see this in friendships, lovers, business partners, employers, customers, parents ... all human relationships.
And when you don't pay attention to the value you provide you see the downside in divorce, long-lost friends (why do you think they were lost in the first place), break-ups, business dissolution's, terminations, lost customers, estranged children.
The first part of the previous sentence is important: "when you don't pay attention." Attention to how the other person sees your value. You must be valuable, be remarkable, to the other person, not to yourself ... that is where the self-delusion comes in. When you say "I thought I was remarkable" is when you are in trouble. You need to say "I know I am remarkable because the other person ... "
So here's my 3 step plan to being remarkable and keeping those important relationships in your life:
1.) Pay attention to how other people react to you. - Do they react the same to you as they do to everyone else? If so, then you are not remarkable.
2.) Assume you are easily replaceable. - This is a tough one, because it requires you to look in the mirror and find your flaws. But the truth is, you probably are not the only one who could be in this relationship
3.) Do one thing every day/week/month that makes you irreplaceable. - Figure out how to provide some value that makes your different. Makes you remarkable. And the more value the other person provides, the more remarkable you'll have to be to keep the relationship alive (eg. just think about how good looking you'd have to be to stay on Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie's radar)
Attention/Assumption/Activation - (the activation part is point 3 above).
Simple to understand - Hard to do ... but if you do it ... do it well ... do it in all your relationships ... you will be ... well ... remarkable
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
"Am I being valuable to others?"
Valuable enough for them to remark on me (hence the "remarkable" part).
This post is about personal value. I believe that all human relationships must provide value from both sides of the relationship, otherwise very quickly (and I'm talking hours/days/weeks ... not months/years/decades), the relationship will wither and die. And this value must constantly be provided. You must constantly be valuable ... be remarkable ... but WHY?
Why? Because the person on the other side of the relationship is spending time, energy, value, on you to maintain the relationship, and if you don't offer value in return, they will spend that time, energy, value somewhere else where they can receive something in return. It is self-centered and self-deceptive not to do so, and very few relationships will survive when one side is giving most of the value. You see this in friendships, lovers, business partners, employers, customers, parents ... all human relationships.
And when you don't pay attention to the value you provide you see the downside in divorce, long-lost friends (why do you think they were lost in the first place), break-ups, business dissolution's, terminations, lost customers, estranged children.
The first part of the previous sentence is important: "when you don't pay attention." Attention to how the other person sees your value. You must be valuable, be remarkable, to the other person, not to yourself ... that is where the self-delusion comes in. When you say "I thought I was remarkable" is when you are in trouble. You need to say "I know I am remarkable because the other person ... "
So here's my 3 step plan to being remarkable and keeping those important relationships in your life:
1.) Pay attention to how other people react to you. - Do they react the same to you as they do to everyone else? If so, then you are not remarkable.
2.) Assume you are easily replaceable. - This is a tough one, because it requires you to look in the mirror and find your flaws. But the truth is, you probably are not the only one who could be in this relationship
3.) Do one thing every day/week/month that makes you irreplaceable. - Figure out how to provide some value that makes your different. Makes you remarkable. And the more value the other person provides, the more remarkable you'll have to be to keep the relationship alive (eg. just think about how good looking you'd have to be to stay on Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie's radar)
Attention/Assumption/Activation - (the activation part is point 3 above).
Simple to understand - Hard to do ... but if you do it ... do it well ... do it in all your relationships ... you will be ... well ... remarkable
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Friday, November 14, 2008
Judgement 2 - The Sequel
I was engaged in a discussion with a very close friend the other day and I heard the language of judgment coming from her. You know the words: "I should have ...", "What will he/she/they think ...", "If only I ...", "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong ..." And so many others.
Of course when I hear the language of judgment I can feel the thoughts of our internal critic rising to the surface. I already made a post on Judgment, but this is a piece that keeps coming back again and again. And it is the language piece that has struck me this time. The language of thought is something I blogged about previously, but it seems to be a key in understanding behavior. If we can understand our language and then believe that our language reflects our thoughts (especially our unconscious thoughts which drive our behaviors and actions) then we might just get a glimpse into the baggage we carry that is causing us to judge (both ourselves and others).
I'm not saying that judgment necessarily is a bad thing. We can all easily judge a criminal and say that their actions are inappropriate. That is not the type of judging I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is the kind of judging that we all do and are unaware that we are doing it ... EXCEPT WHEN WE SPEAK FREELY IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.
Our language betrays us. Our language for an instant when we are not censoring ourselves, allows our true thoughts to come through and allows us to see clearly (which is much harder than you think) and look in the mirror to see what we are judging.
So my challenge to you is to recognize when you are making a judgment ... and don't judge that judgment, simply see it as a judgment. We'll come back to dealing with the judgment ... for now, it should be enough to try and recognize that the judgment is there.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Of course when I hear the language of judgment I can feel the thoughts of our internal critic rising to the surface. I already made a post on Judgment, but this is a piece that keeps coming back again and again. And it is the language piece that has struck me this time. The language of thought is something I blogged about previously, but it seems to be a key in understanding behavior. If we can understand our language and then believe that our language reflects our thoughts (especially our unconscious thoughts which drive our behaviors and actions) then we might just get a glimpse into the baggage we carry that is causing us to judge (both ourselves and others).
I'm not saying that judgment necessarily is a bad thing. We can all easily judge a criminal and say that their actions are inappropriate. That is not the type of judging I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is the kind of judging that we all do and are unaware that we are doing it ... EXCEPT WHEN WE SPEAK FREELY IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.
Our language betrays us. Our language for an instant when we are not censoring ourselves, allows our true thoughts to come through and allows us to see clearly (which is much harder than you think) and look in the mirror to see what we are judging.
So my challenge to you is to recognize when you are making a judgment ... and don't judge that judgment, simply see it as a judgment. We'll come back to dealing with the judgment ... for now, it should be enough to try and recognize that the judgment is there.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Concept Duality
I had a very interesting discussion with a close friend of mine the other day about the duality of concepts.
Ideas that seems contradictory but in reality simply illuminate different facets of the same truth.
Anthony Robbins talks about Certainty and Uncertainty (at 9:49) in his TED talk. He talks about how we need to have both to be happy. You have to be certain in a set number of aspects of your life (ie. you have to be certain of your safety or you can't do anything but make sure that you are safe), and you need adventure (ie. uncertainty) so that you can be thrilled with the unpredictability of living. Certainty and Uncertainty are two sides of the same curiosity or expectation need of the human drama.
Look at masculinity and femininity: two sides of the same gender coin. While masculinity has goals and outcome and end points as primary attributes; femininity has process and connection and openness as primary attributes. People who can embody both masculine and feminine characteristics and express those characteristics at the appropriate time are very seductive. In men they are strong but understanding; in women they are soft but independent.
Since truths and concepts can be multi-faceted, then each facet (the different sides of the coin) is important in different situations and consequently very appealling the have access to all the facets.
So what drove this is the concept of being a leader. It seems that great leaders embody many contradictory qualities and can draw upon those qualities at the right moments in time. At times they have a goal like JFK's "Man on the moon speech" where Kennedy's power comes from giving America a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal - from Jim Collins - popularized in "Good to Great") and at other times they simply have a process, or in Martin Luther King's amazing speech, a dream: Not an end-point, but a series of behaviors that over time change our world.
We are all leaders in our own specific worlds: leaders of children, groups, schools, spouses, etc.
What dual concept ... what masculine / feminine forces ... can you conjure up to ignite people?
Tough question to answer truthfully. But just asking it is worth the effort.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Ideas that seems contradictory but in reality simply illuminate different facets of the same truth.
Anthony Robbins talks about Certainty and Uncertainty (at 9:49) in his TED talk. He talks about how we need to have both to be happy. You have to be certain in a set number of aspects of your life (ie. you have to be certain of your safety or you can't do anything but make sure that you are safe), and you need adventure (ie. uncertainty) so that you can be thrilled with the unpredictability of living. Certainty and Uncertainty are two sides of the same curiosity or expectation need of the human drama.
Look at masculinity and femininity: two sides of the same gender coin. While masculinity has goals and outcome and end points as primary attributes; femininity has process and connection and openness as primary attributes. People who can embody both masculine and feminine characteristics and express those characteristics at the appropriate time are very seductive. In men they are strong but understanding; in women they are soft but independent.
Since truths and concepts can be multi-faceted, then each facet (the different sides of the coin) is important in different situations and consequently very appealling the have access to all the facets.
So what drove this is the concept of being a leader. It seems that great leaders embody many contradictory qualities and can draw upon those qualities at the right moments in time. At times they have a goal like JFK's "Man on the moon speech" where Kennedy's power comes from giving America a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal - from Jim Collins - popularized in "Good to Great") and at other times they simply have a process, or in Martin Luther King's amazing speech, a dream: Not an end-point, but a series of behaviors that over time change our world.
We are all leaders in our own specific worlds: leaders of children, groups, schools, spouses, etc.
What dual concept ... what masculine / feminine forces ... can you conjure up to ignite people?
Tough question to answer truthfully. But just asking it is worth the effort.
See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Trying and doing
Recently I've been interacting with a bunch of people who keep telling me they are trying to get something done. They keep on trying and trying but the thing never gets done. When I talk to these folks I hear all sorts of reasons, but mainly they are just trying.
It seems like TRYING IS JUST NOT DOING IN PROGRESS.
Is trying enough? This is a tough question, because how can we tell our children "well honey just do your best" (ie try really, really hard) "and that will be good enough for me." But it is not good enough for everyone else. No one on the outside world cares that you tried. Even tried really hard.
Trying to get into an Ivy League school doesn't mean anything. There are a whole truckload of kids who tried to get good grades, tried to do well on their SATs, tried to do extra activities, etc. But Harvard, Stanford, MIT and the rest of the top tier colleges don't care. In fact they won't even look at your application if you just tried. You better have DONE. GOTTEN good grades, PERFORMED well on the SAT, LEAD really amazing extra activities, because they are only interested in people to tried and did ... succeeded.
The market doesn't care about your trying. You can try to be the best employee, lover, spouse, parent, product, team, organization. People external to you (ie the market) don't care. They will go to where the most value is (see my value post).
It's tough to be the best in the world (see Seth Godin's "The Dip" book), but everything else is just an excuse and doesn't matter. Good conversation for coffee, but won't make a difference in the final analysis.
So how do YOU stop trying and start doing?
See you on the wire
- Steven
It seems like TRYING IS JUST NOT DOING IN PROGRESS.
Is trying enough? This is a tough question, because how can we tell our children "well honey just do your best" (ie try really, really hard) "and that will be good enough for me." But it is not good enough for everyone else. No one on the outside world cares that you tried. Even tried really hard.
Trying to get into an Ivy League school doesn't mean anything. There are a whole truckload of kids who tried to get good grades, tried to do well on their SATs, tried to do extra activities, etc. But Harvard, Stanford, MIT and the rest of the top tier colleges don't care. In fact they won't even look at your application if you just tried. You better have DONE. GOTTEN good grades, PERFORMED well on the SAT, LEAD really amazing extra activities, because they are only interested in people to tried and did ... succeeded.
The market doesn't care about your trying. You can try to be the best employee, lover, spouse, parent, product, team, organization. People external to you (ie the market) don't care. They will go to where the most value is (see my value post).
It's tough to be the best in the world (see Seth Godin's "The Dip" book), but everything else is just an excuse and doesn't matter. Good conversation for coffee, but won't make a difference in the final analysis.
So how do YOU stop trying and start doing?
See you on the wire
- Steven
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
Recently I've adopted a behavioral strategy that seems to be working in my personal life even though it is a really hard core game theory behavior and doesn't include any input for social issues.
Mirroring
or
Tit for tat
Basically I always am nice and cooperative. And in fact will bend over backwards to help someone out. However, when someone is not friendly I am even more unfriendly (ie when someone is inappropriate to me, I immediately mirror that behavior and increase the intensity).
Now why in God's name would I ever do this? Well, it is becoming more and more apparent that the only thing I can control is my own behavior: My own reaction to external circumstances. I know that sounds a bit EST-like, and I'm not a big believer in those ideas. But no matter how hard I try to explain, teach, plead, hope, persuade, people seem to be so entrenched in their own agendas that I'm not making any headway.
And it hurts. I'm getting hurt by trying, by not trying, by letting go, etc.
So I've decided to mirror. If you're helpful, I'm more helpful; if you're inappropriate, I'm more inappropriate. However, I quickly forgive. So if you hurt me now, but in 5 minutes you help me, I'll also help you in 6 minutes.
And damn it, it seems to be working. People are behaving better. Now the important question ... why?
Well, it seems that mirroring or tit for tat is an easy behavior to predict (you know exactly what I'm going to do), but a hard behavior to live with (as soon as you do something hurtful, you know what's coming next). From an economics standpoint it is transparent and directly applies external costs appropriately.
Free riders are gone, personal agendas get exposed, purely egocentric acts are charged their real costs.
Now the question that remains ... will this kill my social life? Hum, I'll have to look into this one.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Mirroring
or
Tit for tat
Basically I always am nice and cooperative. And in fact will bend over backwards to help someone out. However, when someone is not friendly I am even more unfriendly (ie when someone is inappropriate to me, I immediately mirror that behavior and increase the intensity).
Now why in God's name would I ever do this? Well, it is becoming more and more apparent that the only thing I can control is my own behavior: My own reaction to external circumstances. I know that sounds a bit EST-like, and I'm not a big believer in those ideas. But no matter how hard I try to explain, teach, plead, hope, persuade, people seem to be so entrenched in their own agendas that I'm not making any headway.
And it hurts. I'm getting hurt by trying, by not trying, by letting go, etc.
So I've decided to mirror. If you're helpful, I'm more helpful; if you're inappropriate, I'm more inappropriate. However, I quickly forgive. So if you hurt me now, but in 5 minutes you help me, I'll also help you in 6 minutes.
And damn it, it seems to be working. People are behaving better. Now the important question ... why?
Well, it seems that mirroring or tit for tat is an easy behavior to predict (you know exactly what I'm going to do), but a hard behavior to live with (as soon as you do something hurtful, you know what's coming next). From an economics standpoint it is transparent and directly applies external costs appropriately.
Free riders are gone, personal agendas get exposed, purely egocentric acts are charged their real costs.
Now the question that remains ... will this kill my social life? Hum, I'll have to look into this one.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Monday, September 1, 2008
Decisions and Cost
So today is September 1 and I've noticed I'm antsy, perturbed, nervous, can't sit still, and I'm wondering why. What is it about September 1 that has caused me to feel this way. Well nothing; nothing in particular and everything in general. And what does that mean? Well it means my decisions are not driving me towards where I want to be.
So here is the question that I've put to myself: "What decisions am I making and what are they costing me?"
Wow ... that's one hell of a statement. And the corollary: "Am I DECIDING not to get where I want to go?" That's a strong statement as well.
In thinking through this, it is obvious that I'm making decisions without looking at what those decisions are costing me. What does that mean? Well, it's kinda like looking in the kitchen cabinets, finding a snack and downing that snack all before you realize that you've broken your diet.
These implicit costs are there, just like the extra pound that you put on when you were eating without thinking about it. These costs are happening; things aren't getting done, I'm making all sorts of reasons why things aren't moving forward ... but the reality is I'm making decisions without my eyes open.
Of course that naturally leads to the following statement:
"All decisions have costs whether you are aware of them or not; even the decision not to decide"
I think just recognizing that is an important step (as they say, knowing you have a problem is the first step). Of course the next thing to do is to really look at the costs I'm incurring when I decide (or decide not to decide) to do something.
And where do costs come from:
* Opportunity costs (could I be doing something that is more valuable)
* Externalities (is my decision affecting something or someone else)
* Reputation (will others behave differently in the future due to my decision today)
There are a bunch of other implicit costs that I'll go over in a future blog on true costs, but there are plenty of costs involved here.
So, pay attention to what you do (remember an unexamined life is not worth living) and what it costs you ... since you'll pay ... even if you don't think you will.
See you on the wire.
- Steven
So here is the question that I've put to myself: "What decisions am I making and what are they costing me?"
Wow ... that's one hell of a statement. And the corollary: "Am I DECIDING not to get where I want to go?" That's a strong statement as well.
In thinking through this, it is obvious that I'm making decisions without looking at what those decisions are costing me. What does that mean? Well, it's kinda like looking in the kitchen cabinets, finding a snack and downing that snack all before you realize that you've broken your diet.
These implicit costs are there, just like the extra pound that you put on when you were eating without thinking about it. These costs are happening; things aren't getting done, I'm making all sorts of reasons why things aren't moving forward ... but the reality is I'm making decisions without my eyes open.
Of course that naturally leads to the following statement:
"All decisions have costs whether you are aware of them or not; even the decision not to decide"
I think just recognizing that is an important step (as they say, knowing you have a problem is the first step). Of course the next thing to do is to really look at the costs I'm incurring when I decide (or decide not to decide) to do something.
And where do costs come from:
* Opportunity costs (could I be doing something that is more valuable)
* Externalities (is my decision affecting something or someone else)
* Reputation (will others behave differently in the future due to my decision today)
There are a bunch of other implicit costs that I'll go over in a future blog on true costs, but there are plenty of costs involved here.
So, pay attention to what you do (remember an unexamined life is not worth living) and what it costs you ... since you'll pay ... even if you don't think you will.
See you on the wire.
- Steven
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I'm so happy
I have a friend who wrote a book entitled "How We Choose To Be Happy." He basically talks about how happy people have a certain set of traits that makes and keeps them happy ... 9 traits (domains) to be exact. One of them is gratitude: being grateful for what you already have. Well since I've been re-reading his book and blogging more frequently now, I've noticed that a good deal of what I blog about are things that are problematic.
This is my standard (and I perceive most people's) way of communicating. You don't need help or to express things that are going extremely well. You just enjoy the experience. Yon only need to express things that are problematic and causing difficulties. That's how you get help with those things and push on them and figure them out.
Well, today, I thought, I'd be happy and really focus on what I'm grateful for, so here's my list:
* People who spend the time to really connect with me
* An inquisitive mind
* Being healthy, and getting healthier every day
* Peers (everyone from sage's in books to children to colleagues to personal relationships) that let me learn to see the world from a different perspective
* Being and giving love, in all it's states: Personally, professionally, emotionally, parentally
* Creativity in all forms: musical, literary, business, technological
* Technology: It's present state, my understanding, my skills
* Spirituality and the ability to be open to new ideas
That's a bunch, and I'm sure there are hundreds inside each of those categories; and I am grateful for each and every one.
What are you grateful for?
See you on the wire.
- Steven
This is my standard (and I perceive most people's) way of communicating. You don't need help or to express things that are going extremely well. You just enjoy the experience. Yon only need to express things that are problematic and causing difficulties. That's how you get help with those things and push on them and figure them out.
Well, today, I thought, I'd be happy and really focus on what I'm grateful for, so here's my list:
* People who spend the time to really connect with me
* An inquisitive mind
* Being healthy, and getting healthier every day
* Peers (everyone from sage's in books to children to colleagues to personal relationships) that let me learn to see the world from a different perspective
* Being and giving love, in all it's states: Personally, professionally, emotionally, parentally
* Creativity in all forms: musical, literary, business, technological
* Technology: It's present state, my understanding, my skills
* Spirituality and the ability to be open to new ideas
That's a bunch, and I'm sure there are hundreds inside each of those categories; and I am grateful for each and every one.
What are you grateful for?
See you on the wire.
- Steven
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm Not Worthy!
In the movie "Wayne's World", Garth says "I'm not worthy" when he is faced with a rock legend. I recently had conversation with a very close friend and the "I'm not worthy" topic reared its head. I know that everyone (me included ... especially me) don't feel worthy at times.
* I'm not worthy if I haven't made a certain goal that everyone else thinks I should have made (external validation)
* I'm not worthy if I haven't surpassed all the lofty goals of saving the world that I set for myself (ego getting in the way)
* I'm not worthy if I'm not already the best at ... because I should be ...
Seems like most of this all comes from external judgment (see the previous post on judgment) and not from a true lack of worth.
So how do we go from not feeling worthy (whether we know that's how we're feeling) to having a healthy sense of self-worth and not cross over into arrogance?
It seems that arrogance has more to do with looking for external validation than actually accomplishing something. So you are arrogant (and yes, I've been called arrogant on many occasions ... sometimes called for ... and sometimes not) when you accomplish something only so other people can see your accomplishment. Ok, that sounds like a good line. Do amazing things from a point of view of doing amazing things and not worry what other people think. Of course part of doing amazing things is letting people know you did them. So it is a subtle shift but a good shift ... a shift of perspective of where you are coming from.
And doing amazing things (like being a rock legend) just because you want to do things that are amazing and then recognizing that you did them is all part of a healthy self-worth.
So remember, those feelings of not being worthy are gifts that someone else gave you. Return them ... send them back to the store ... give them to someone else ... just don't keep them.
And then do something amazing ... just cause you can.
Remember the last line in Seth Godin's book The Dip: "Go ahead, do something. We're waiting"
See you on the wire
- Steven
* I'm not worthy if I haven't made a certain goal that everyone else thinks I should have made (external validation)
* I'm not worthy if I haven't surpassed all the lofty goals of saving the world that I set for myself (ego getting in the way)
* I'm not worthy if I'm not already the best at ... because I should be ...
Seems like most of this all comes from external judgment (see the previous post on judgment) and not from a true lack of worth.
So how do we go from not feeling worthy (whether we know that's how we're feeling) to having a healthy sense of self-worth and not cross over into arrogance?
It seems that arrogance has more to do with looking for external validation than actually accomplishing something. So you are arrogant (and yes, I've been called arrogant on many occasions ... sometimes called for ... and sometimes not) when you accomplish something only so other people can see your accomplishment. Ok, that sounds like a good line. Do amazing things from a point of view of doing amazing things and not worry what other people think. Of course part of doing amazing things is letting people know you did them. So it is a subtle shift but a good shift ... a shift of perspective of where you are coming from.
And doing amazing things (like being a rock legend) just because you want to do things that are amazing and then recognizing that you did them is all part of a healthy self-worth.
So remember, those feelings of not being worthy are gifts that someone else gave you. Return them ... send them back to the store ... give them to someone else ... just don't keep them.
And then do something amazing ... just cause you can.
Remember the last line in Seth Godin's book The Dip: "Go ahead, do something. We're waiting"
See you on the wire
- Steven
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Dip
I just got done reading Seth Godin's book "The Dip" again, for the 3rd time. And many of the same points rang true to me this time as last. Quitting is a good strategic plan for most human endeavors. Not jumping from one thing to another when the short run tasks become difficult or tiresome. But rather being able to recognize when an activity, goal (or better yet; an intention) no longer is valuable, and then leaving; quitting; breaking-up; divorcing; letting go; paying attention somewhere else: Is the most productive and rationale thing to do (read "The Dip" because it really drives this point home).
Of course if this is just a short term sticking point and there are long term benefits that you can receive then you are just in The Dip and you should stay committed, persevere, and get through the tough times since all the value lies just around the bend. Of course here's the trick: seeing around the corner before you get there (is the road after the bend leading to a pot of gold, or just a dead end). And seeing beyond the bend requires seeing into the future. Something that us humans are really bad at.
So how about if we just see into the present and not the future to see if this is just a dip, or a long slide to failure. If the circumstances are providing value (more on that later), then the dip is probably just a dip and not a cliff to problems. Now we just have to identify value and not rationalize false behaviors (ie not be in denial and pretend that what is happening to us is valuable when it really isn't). A quick note on value (I'll post a bunch more about that later). Value is ALWAYS reciprocated. Sometimes it is hard to see what value is being received on both sides. So when you are trying to see if this is a dip, ask yourself the following questions:
"What value am I getting from my current circumstances?"
- and -
"What value am I providing to my current circumstances?"
And value during dips can be simple and small (although Seth, and I, advocates leaning into dips and getting huge value ... like putting in a ton of effort at the beginning of learning snowboarding). But if there is value both being extracted as well as provided (and learning why this dip is a dip can be just the value you need) then keep moving forward.
Final piece on value: decide what is valuable ahead of time; before you start a project. That way you don't need to figure out what's important in the heat of battle. Don't be a frozen stick-in-the-mud and unwilling to change your point of view on value, but have a good set of markers at the beginning. Most people do this intuitively; I'm just asking you to do it consciously (eg most women know that once their husbands become drug addicts and start beating them and the kids that this behavior represents a cliff to failure and not just a dip).
The other piece about The Dip that hit me hard was the fact that it is implicit in all human relationships and pursuits. Romantic relationships have dips; friendships; businesses; business partners; new businesses; jobs; lovers; parents; children ... they all have the potential for dips, and the potential for catastrophic failure. And you will be better off figuring out sooner rather than later if the bend in the road ahead means full steam ahead or slam on the brakes.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Sent from my BlackBerry
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Judgement
Recently I had a set of intense conversations with some very close friends about the topic of judgment. And wow, what a rabbit hole that topic created. Judgment seems to be prevalent in so many activities that it is almost impossible to escape it.
Is judgment the metric we use to help drive our decisions? Should I do this or that? Am I good enough to ... ? Will they approve of me doing ... ? I'm sure that a ton of our feeling judged come from our parents, society, authority figures, religion, and many other external sources. The question is: Is judgment useful? Especially external perceived judgment.
Or does external perceived judgment cause us to do things we don't want to or shouldn't (eg I should be a better son and do ... for my parents), or KEEP us from doing things we want or should (eg what will my friends think if I ...)?
If we stop using, applying and feeling judged will society devolve into chaos and an animalistic horde? Or can we use our own internal compass to guide ourselves in decisions without the pressures of external judgments? External judgments seem to be more about who we let judge us and less about making decisions that will be valuable to us personally.
And what is a judgment anyway? And why do we give THEM the power to judge? It seems that judgment has a huge component of self-esteem / self-worth built into it. If you feel that you have as much or more value as the judge then you typically don't care about their judgment (do you really care about what the homeless person on the street thinks about a recent decision of yours).
So maybe external judgment and looking for validation is all about us not feeling worthy. And how those feelings are presented to us early in life and continued through our adulthood. If we can shrug off judgment then maybe we can shrug off all the associated garbage as well.
Don't get me wrong, I think judgment is a very useful form of mind control. And I think the vast majority of folks need that structure to exist in a cooperative way (just think of how well the threat of "Hell" works for the religious crowd).
In order to release judgment, I think you need to take the next cognitive leap in development: to separate yourself from the crowd. Basically to be free from the thoughts of others and feel enough personal value that institutionalized or individual judgments are no longer important. Of course this is different than arrogance or self-esteem. Those are things you get, things you build, things you have. I'm talking about the confidence that releasing others opinions of you will not shake your internal core. It is a subtle shift in perception, but all amazing things start with a subtle shift.
- Steven Cardinale
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Are We All Equal?
I was having a discussion with a very close friend of mine and the question arose:
"Are We All Equal?"
That question arose as we were pushing on the topic of egalitarian relationships between people and where does egalitarianism cross the line and become enabling. Where is an egalitarian relationship functional and where is it dysfunctional?
I know that as a Utopian desire everyone being equal has its place. However even in old philosophy everyone is not considered equal. The topic becomes even more obscure as we try and figure out what it means to be equal.
It seems that there are certain facets of equality that are different depending upon the relationship: Friends, Lovers, Professional, Mates, Parental, Competitors.
Each of these relationships imbues into the relationship a certain set of facets of equality. For example children in our culture (American) are not equal in decision making authority as compared to their parents. As a matter of law parents are responsible for the safety of their children and allowing a child to decide how late to stay out, how much (or if) to drink alcohol, what to wear or bring to school, puts certain burdens on the parent. Children and parents do not live in an egalitarian relationship the majority of the time. Parents can give children the authority of impart their desires but ultimate decision making authority lies in the adult.
So what about in a professional relationship? Can companies be run in an egalitarian framework? What about politics and societies as a whole? Are we really all equals? Or have we given authority, decision making, and enforcement to centralized bodies? When it comes to laws; judges, police, legislators, and other government positions certainly have greater strength than each public individual. When it comes to corporate governance, the higher ups (in fact we have language that specifies a hierarchy as Superiors), are not equal to the employees in the trenches.
What about lovers, mates, personal relationships? In many countries men and women explicitly are not equal. In the American culture two mates in a relationship ideally come from the exact same level, however that typically is not the case. Depending upon the decision one person in the couple will have authority (for example 80% of all purchase decisions are made by the head female figure in the family). In fact we have language to show this positioning - "he/she wears the pants in the family."
So with all this positioning it seems that egalitarian rule is an ideal that is not widely made its way into day-to-day living. Why?
In assuming that everyone is equal, I am going to posit the following:
1.) All traits necessary to make a specific decision are equal
2.) The outcome (costs, both implicit and explicit - see the posting on decisions and costs) are equally shared
If the above two points are true, then perhaps an egalitarian point of view is appropriate. However, it seems that in most human relationships, the above is not true (in fact it is a specialized case of an economic externality) and consequently pushing an egalitarian agenda seems dysfunctional.
Just my $0.02. I could be wrong.
See you on the wire
- Steven
"Are We All Equal?"
That question arose as we were pushing on the topic of egalitarian relationships between people and where does egalitarianism cross the line and become enabling. Where is an egalitarian relationship functional and where is it dysfunctional?
I know that as a Utopian desire everyone being equal has its place. However even in old philosophy everyone is not considered equal. The topic becomes even more obscure as we try and figure out what it means to be equal.
It seems that there are certain facets of equality that are different depending upon the relationship: Friends, Lovers, Professional, Mates, Parental, Competitors.
Each of these relationships imbues into the relationship a certain set of facets of equality. For example children in our culture (American) are not equal in decision making authority as compared to their parents. As a matter of law parents are responsible for the safety of their children and allowing a child to decide how late to stay out, how much (or if) to drink alcohol, what to wear or bring to school, puts certain burdens on the parent. Children and parents do not live in an egalitarian relationship the majority of the time. Parents can give children the authority of impart their desires but ultimate decision making authority lies in the adult.
So what about in a professional relationship? Can companies be run in an egalitarian framework? What about politics and societies as a whole? Are we really all equals? Or have we given authority, decision making, and enforcement to centralized bodies? When it comes to laws; judges, police, legislators, and other government positions certainly have greater strength than each public individual. When it comes to corporate governance, the higher ups (in fact we have language that specifies a hierarchy as Superiors), are not equal to the employees in the trenches.
What about lovers, mates, personal relationships? In many countries men and women explicitly are not equal. In the American culture two mates in a relationship ideally come from the exact same level, however that typically is not the case. Depending upon the decision one person in the couple will have authority (for example 80% of all purchase decisions are made by the head female figure in the family). In fact we have language to show this positioning - "he/she wears the pants in the family."
So with all this positioning it seems that egalitarian rule is an ideal that is not widely made its way into day-to-day living. Why?
In assuming that everyone is equal, I am going to posit the following:
1.) All traits necessary to make a specific decision are equal
2.) The outcome (costs, both implicit and explicit - see the posting on decisions and costs) are equally shared
If the above two points are true, then perhaps an egalitarian point of view is appropriate. However, it seems that in most human relationships, the above is not true (in fact it is a specialized case of an economic externality) and consequently pushing an egalitarian agenda seems dysfunctional.
Just my $0.02. I could be wrong.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Do you believe?
I finally had time to catch up on some television shows I've been wanting to watch. Thank heaven for iPods, iTunes, Tivo, Handbrake, and all the technology that let's me take shows with me. One of the shows I've heard was great and I wanted to watch is Saving Grace. Holly Hunter plays a detective with all sorts of issues. Good writing, characters that are interesting to watch, overall good show. But get this. I'm watching the 1st episode of the 1st season and I find out:
She's an atheist who has a true religious experience and now has an angel following her around.
Now that stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm an atheist and although I might follow Buddhist cultural philosophies, I can't get my hands around belief ... spiritual or otherwise ... taking a leap of faith and just believing ... but lately I've been feeling a drive to do just that ... just believe.
So here is my question: "Can an atheist have a true belief?"
I believe in science, but at its base science has a belief system as well. If you watch the movie "What the bleep do we know" it basically states that at the core fundamental level, everything is belief and we really don't know what is going on. And in fact our theories only shine light on a small corner of reality.
If I look at it that way, I guess the only thing I believe in is my beliefs ... oh no, I think my brain just popped ...
Well, time to go down the next level ... how far do you you want to go down the rabbit hole? Follow me
- Steven
She's an atheist who has a true religious experience and now has an angel following her around.
Now that stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm an atheist and although I might follow Buddhist cultural philosophies, I can't get my hands around belief ... spiritual or otherwise ... taking a leap of faith and just believing ... but lately I've been feeling a drive to do just that ... just believe.
So here is my question: "Can an atheist have a true belief?"
I believe in science, but at its base science has a belief system as well. If you watch the movie "What the bleep do we know" it basically states that at the core fundamental level, everything is belief and we really don't know what is going on. And in fact our theories only shine light on a small corner of reality.
If I look at it that way, I guess the only thing I believe in is my beliefs ... oh no, I think my brain just popped ...
Well, time to go down the next level ... how far do you you want to go down the rabbit hole? Follow me
- Steven
Friday, August 8, 2008
Passion
What does it mean to be passionate about something? Dictionary.com says that passion is "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling" and "a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything." Madonna has a song called "Crimes of Passion," people crave that powerful feeling that passion conjures up; we all crave the intensity of passion.
But what types of behavior does passion elicit? What do you do when you're passionate about something, someone, some idea, some place, some anything?
Recently I've been going through a new adventure, and I haven't been able to sleep. New thoughts keep running through my head, and my new adventure keeps pulling me from my slumber and not letting me sleep. Read that bold line again: "pulling me from my slumber."
This has happened several times over the past year, on several occasions, and for several different situations where I have been passionate about a topic.
It seems that passion seeps into your subconscious and won't leave you alone, not even in the middle of the night. It is the lover's touch, the idea's voice, the intense experience that wakes you in the middle of the night, drags you from your dreams and forces you to pay attention.
So my current adventure has made me passionate. And damn, now I'm addicted to being passionate about everything ...
So, it seems there is one question to answer: Are you passionate? That's the one question that should be waking you up ... Are you passionate? Answer that and see what comes next ... maybe you'll find out as it pulls you from your slumber.
See you on the wire.
Steven
But what types of behavior does passion elicit? What do you do when you're passionate about something, someone, some idea, some place, some anything?
Recently I've been going through a new adventure, and I haven't been able to sleep. New thoughts keep running through my head, and my new adventure keeps pulling me from my slumber and not letting me sleep. Read that bold line again: "pulling me from my slumber."
This has happened several times over the past year, on several occasions, and for several different situations where I have been passionate about a topic.
It seems that passion seeps into your subconscious and won't leave you alone, not even in the middle of the night. It is the lover's touch, the idea's voice, the intense experience that wakes you in the middle of the night, drags you from your dreams and forces you to pay attention.
So my current adventure has made me passionate. And damn, now I'm addicted to being passionate about everything ...
So, it seems there is one question to answer: Are you passionate? That's the one question that should be waking you up ... Are you passionate? Answer that and see what comes next ... maybe you'll find out as it pulls you from your slumber.
See you on the wire.
Steven
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Failure is not an option
I'm sure you have heard the phrase "Failure is not an option" many times before. There is a book entitled "Failure Is Not An Option" about education reform, and another "Failure Is Not An Option" about the space program and a statement said during the Apollo 13 mission.
However, as most of us know not only is failure an option, but it is a real path that happens all the time. In his blog, Alexander Kjerulf writes that the failure is not an option mantra needs to go and get replaced by "Failure happens. Deal with it."
I have a different point of view. I say that not only does failure happen, but we should be looking to fail as frequently and as quickly as possible ... my intention is to "Fail Forward Fast" I don't know who I heard that from (maybe Peter Drucker), but it stuck. Success doesn't usually come in a straight line. It is usually littered with many failures. We don't learn to walk and talk the first time we try ... so why should other things come so easily.
I say failure with gusto. If you are not failing you are not trying hard enough. The key is to increase your cycle time. To increase the speed at which you can fail so you can quickly try something else. "Fail Forward Slow" is an excruciating path that you don't want to be on.
In the "Book of 5 Rings", the author (an old world Samurai) has to deal with failure (in his world death) on a consistent basis. Not only is he not afraid to die, he actually seeks it out. He doesn't make decisions out of fear of failing. He just makes decisions based on how to live ... failures or not. And that is where you and I want to be ... looking for failure ... expecting it ... pushing for it ... pushing our limits so we get the chance to fail ... and then ... of all things ... when failure is not only just an option but a probability ... we'll find success.
See you on the wire
Steven
However, as most of us know not only is failure an option, but it is a real path that happens all the time. In his blog, Alexander Kjerulf writes that the failure is not an option mantra needs to go and get replaced by "Failure happens. Deal with it."
I have a different point of view. I say that not only does failure happen, but we should be looking to fail as frequently and as quickly as possible ... my intention is to "Fail Forward Fast" I don't know who I heard that from (maybe Peter Drucker), but it stuck. Success doesn't usually come in a straight line. It is usually littered with many failures. We don't learn to walk and talk the first time we try ... so why should other things come so easily.
I say failure with gusto. If you are not failing you are not trying hard enough. The key is to increase your cycle time. To increase the speed at which you can fail so you can quickly try something else. "Fail Forward Slow" is an excruciating path that you don't want to be on.
In the "Book of 5 Rings", the author (an old world Samurai) has to deal with failure (in his world death) on a consistent basis. Not only is he not afraid to die, he actually seeks it out. He doesn't make decisions out of fear of failing. He just makes decisions based on how to live ... failures or not. And that is where you and I want to be ... looking for failure ... expecting it ... pushing for it ... pushing our limits so we get the chance to fail ... and then ... of all things ... when failure is not only just an option but a probability ... we'll find success.
See you on the wire
Steven
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
How do we become conscious?
In our daily lives we all say things we don't really believe, or say things that we don't really think are true, or say things that are polite or socially acceptable. These thoughts come into our consciousness and into our hearts, but we don't really believe them. We say them or think we believe them because they are the acceptable thing to say.
I see this all the time; from talking with people to online stories to the cover of magazines ... polite, acceptable, conventional thought (see the post regarding thinking differently). We are afraid of saying what we truly believe in our hearts and are programmed to say and do what we think we are supposed to.
And unfortunately we have been instructed for so long to think/feel appropriate that we no longer even realize that we don't necessarily believe what we are saying. We are not conscious that our true beliefs are out of sync with our language.
So how do we become conscious?
It seems that as long as our thoughts and words don't push against our sensibilities, then polite and acceptable ideas work fine. It is when our thoughts and words push up against our true beliefs that we become uncomfortable ... and being uncomfortable is a good thing ... it makes us question our inbreed assumptions and beliefs.
So push to the edges ... push to the extremes ... that is where it is most uncomfortable ... that is where everyone else's influence on your beliefs start to fall apart and where there is the most clarity. It is also the scariest place to be ... the edge ... the extreme ... because that is where everything is at risk ... all of your long held beliefs.
So next time you say something, push it to the limit to see if what you say at the extreme is still the same as what you say in the comfortable middle, like:
"I don't have the money to ???" ... just ask yourself, if the ??? was a medical procedure for a loved one, could/would you find the money? That's extreme (an extreme thought experiment). If you could/would find the money, then the "I don't have the money to ???" fades away and is replaced with the more honest "I don't want to ???" Probably harder to say, but more truthful.
- or -
"I have to / I can't ???" ... just ask about the ??? and create an extreme thought experiment. If the ??? was something obviously right (ie. save a child from a car crash), or obviously wrong (ie, hurt an innocent person), then the "I have to / I can't ???" fades away and is replaced with the more honest "I don't want to ???" or "I won't ???" Probably harder to say, but more truthful.
So find the extremes, push to the edge and see where you go.
See you on the wire
Steven
I see this all the time; from talking with people to online stories to the cover of magazines ... polite, acceptable, conventional thought (see the post regarding thinking differently). We are afraid of saying what we truly believe in our hearts and are programmed to say and do what we think we are supposed to.
And unfortunately we have been instructed for so long to think/feel appropriate that we no longer even realize that we don't necessarily believe what we are saying. We are not conscious that our true beliefs are out of sync with our language.
So how do we become conscious?
It seems that as long as our thoughts and words don't push against our sensibilities, then polite and acceptable ideas work fine. It is when our thoughts and words push up against our true beliefs that we become uncomfortable ... and being uncomfortable is a good thing ... it makes us question our inbreed assumptions and beliefs.
So push to the edges ... push to the extremes ... that is where it is most uncomfortable ... that is where everyone else's influence on your beliefs start to fall apart and where there is the most clarity. It is also the scariest place to be ... the edge ... the extreme ... because that is where everything is at risk ... all of your long held beliefs.
So next time you say something, push it to the limit to see if what you say at the extreme is still the same as what you say in the comfortable middle, like:
"I don't have the money to ???" ... just ask yourself, if the ??? was a medical procedure for a loved one, could/would you find the money? That's extreme (an extreme thought experiment). If you could/would find the money, then the "I don't have the money to ???" fades away and is replaced with the more honest "I don't want to ???" Probably harder to say, but more truthful.
- or -
"I have to / I can't ???" ... just ask about the ??? and create an extreme thought experiment. If the ??? was something obviously right (ie. save a child from a car crash), or obviously wrong (ie, hurt an innocent person), then the "I have to / I can't ???" fades away and is replaced with the more honest "I don't want to ???" or "I won't ???" Probably harder to say, but more truthful.
So find the extremes, push to the edge and see where you go.
See you on the wire
Steven
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Do my words matter?
I was having an intense conversation with a very close friend of mine the other day and she asked for my opinion about a specific set of circumstances. Of course me being me, I couldn't resist putting in my $0.02. However, what struck a cord in me was the fact that she cared about my opinion. And the question that came to mind was "why does she care?"
The band Staind has a great song called "Everything Changes" and a line in the song is "What could I really say. And would it matter anyway?" That line has struck a chord in me since I first heard it. People will feel what they feel, do what they do, believe what they believe, regardless of what someone else says.
So the real question is "Do my words matter?" and of course the follow up "Do I matter?"
Probably not. Whatever we say won't make a difference ... unless what you are saying is the truth (see the rest of this blog for discussions about the truth) ... if it is the truth then your opinion, your perceptions, all your distortions fall away and your words illuminate what is real.
Words can be hollow, fake, mask truth. You can say you love someone, that you'll be there, that you didn't mean it, that you will do something, or want something, but unless you act that way (see congruence post), then these words don't matter.
So, maybe the fact that she wanted my opinion ... my words ... was just an exploration for the truth.
And I guess that is a compliment enough that she believes in me enough to take a moment to explore the truth with me.
See you on the wire
Steven Cardinale
The band Staind has a great song called "Everything Changes" and a line in the song is "What could I really say. And would it matter anyway?" That line has struck a chord in me since I first heard it. People will feel what they feel, do what they do, believe what they believe, regardless of what someone else says.
So the real question is "Do my words matter?" and of course the follow up "Do I matter?"
Probably not. Whatever we say won't make a difference ... unless what you are saying is the truth (see the rest of this blog for discussions about the truth) ... if it is the truth then your opinion, your perceptions, all your distortions fall away and your words illuminate what is real.
Words can be hollow, fake, mask truth. You can say you love someone, that you'll be there, that you didn't mean it, that you will do something, or want something, but unless you act that way (see congruence post), then these words don't matter.
So, maybe the fact that she wanted my opinion ... my words ... was just an exploration for the truth.
And I guess that is a compliment enough that she believes in me enough to take a moment to explore the truth with me.
See you on the wire
Steven Cardinale
The language of thought
How do we think? What do we think in? George Carlin has a great quote when he talks about offensive language. He says: "we do think in language and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas could only be as good as the quality of our language."
I believe that there has never been so true a statement as Carlin's quote above. So if we think in language (which means people never say anything they don't mean, because we mean all of our thoughts ... if only for a moment), then you should be able to take a step outside yourself ... take a quick look at what you are saying ... and get a glimmer of what you are thinking ... which means get a glimmer of truth, however fleeting. Easy to say, but tough to do.
George Carlin also said "There are no bad words. "Bad thoughts. Bad intentions. And woooords."
And this implies that the words are only an expression of the mind/heart/soul/true feelings of the individual. And that means that if we quiet ourselves, we can listen to the voices in our heads and truly hear what they are saying.
The real question is "How do we know when what we are saying in our heads are truly our thoughts/intentions, or those of everyone else?"
I hope George found the answer ... although he was pretty clear about his point of view ... and that is ... there is no answer.
See you on the wire
Steven Cardinale
I believe that there has never been so true a statement as Carlin's quote above. So if we think in language (which means people never say anything they don't mean, because we mean all of our thoughts ... if only for a moment), then you should be able to take a step outside yourself ... take a quick look at what you are saying ... and get a glimmer of what you are thinking ... which means get a glimmer of truth, however fleeting. Easy to say, but tough to do.
George Carlin also said "There are no bad words. "Bad thoughts. Bad intentions. And woooords."
And this implies that the words are only an expression of the mind/heart/soul/true feelings of the individual. And that means that if we quiet ourselves, we can listen to the voices in our heads and truly hear what they are saying.
The real question is "How do we know when what we are saying in our heads are truly our thoughts/intentions, or those of everyone else?"
I hope George found the answer ... although he was pretty clear about his point of view ... and that is ... there is no answer.
See you on the wire
Steven Cardinale
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