What's In a Name

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" - Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet (the entire speech is below)

I was having a conversations with a very dear friend of my yesterday, and we were talking about "what's your question" and "what's your story" (future blog coming on that one). And it got me thinking, that in order to have a story, in order to have a question, there are some underlying labels that we put on ourselves. Practical labels like:

Father

Executive

Wife

Manager

Worker Bee

Leader

Boyfriend - girlfriend

And descriptive labels like:

Forgetful

Confused

Lost

Bad at math

Alone

Scared

Of course we all have these labels. I work for someone, I'm someones girlfriend, I'm someones boss, I'm bad at math. But these labels are just that ... words that describe what were doing at the moment. Read that again ... WHAT WERE DOING AT THE MOMENT. Not who we are. Unfortunately we tend to take these labels and let them start to define WHO we are and not WHAT we're doing. I know I do that ... do you?

And once we label something, and take that labeling into our hearts, it is hard to shake that label off. When the label defines us it takes a huge amount of courage to shake off that definition and change the labeling ... or get rid of the attachment to the label altogether. When we say we're an executive ... then it is hard to be of "service to others" since we always HAVE to be in charge. When we say we're someones boy/girl friend, and it's in our DNA, then it is hard for us to see that we're good enough on our own.

So here's the question: "What labels do you carry with you that you're using to define WHO you are?" and "Can you switch those labels to define WHAT you're doing instead"

- (ie. Right now I work as an executive at XYZ, vs., I'm an executive)

- (ie. Right now I have a boyfriend named John Smith, vs., I'm John Smith's girlfriend)

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

------------- Full Speech -----------

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;

Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,

Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part

Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!

What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,

And for that name which is no part of thee

Take all myself.'

The Question

I'm in the middle of reading a book by Keith Ferrazzi called "Who's Got Your Back" and it is all about relationship management and how having a different mindset can change everything. And somewhere in the book he talks about how Anthony Robbins asked in the past "what's your main driving question?"

Now I've answered that before ... probably 5+ years ago. What drives me? It's not a simple question. What question does your subconsciousness consistently ask, over and over again? Not something that is in the forefront of your mind. But that question that constantly colors your perceptions, your points of view. I've asked many people and here are the answers I've gotten:

* Am I worthy?

* When will I screw up?

* Am I lovable?

* That's not good enough. (the real question is "Why am I not perfect?")

* Is it safe?
* Am I alone?

There are hundreds of variations, but these variations really just represent different wordings on a few core questions that we as human beings have in the true center of our experience.

So, I've been looking at my Core Question. What drives me. And what is interesting is that once you figure it out, you'll notice that you act in a way to support your belief.

If your question is "Am I lovable" then you will constantly push people to the point where it is tough to love you. You're doing this to test your question "Am I lovable". And if you push hard enough you break the relationship and prove to yourself that you're not lovable (talk about approach-avoidance behavior).

So here's my question:
"What do you have to do to get to your core question?"

"What do you have to let go of so you can really see your core question?"

"What behaviors do you have that are being driven by something deep inside you?"
" What does having your core question do for you?"
" How can you let go of your attachment to your core?"

It's tough stuff. Stuff that you think you've answered and then find out ... nope you don't have it yet. Stuff that you'll judge yourself for.

So answer that question and see how that answer works. Does it really drive all your behaviors? If so then maybe you're at your core.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

You touch me

Have you ever been touched by some-one, some-thing, some-experience that changed you? Changed the way you look at the world? Changed the way you feel about certain things? Changed the way you see, the way you think ... the way you ... changed you? Changed you in such profound ways that you didn't even realize it when it was happening?

Sara Bareilles wrote a song called "Gravity" that has the lyrics "You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains." That is the type of effect I'm talking about. The effect that holds you when your not around; that constantly whispers in the back of your mind; that keeps you without chains; that keeps you seeing through new eyes even when you're alone.

I've had that experience. Both in the further past and in the recent past. And if you let go enough ... if you're not afraid of being touched ... it can be a remarkable experience.

So the question is: "Have you ever been touched?" and "Can you be touched again?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Are you bored yet?

Well I've recently returned from my trip to the Himalayas and I've been telling everyone the exciting yet unexpected set of experiences that I had ... what an amazing time. A place full of the contradictions that give life its splendor (see previous post about living on the edge).

When I returned a friend asked me about the trip and then she preceded to say: "well back to the same old boring grind;" with a smile on her face. That comment took me by surprise. I guess of making such a crazy journey, she thought that everything else would be boring.

I asked her: "Are you bored with your life?", and she answered that she was happy and that everything was calm, so yes, she was bored, but that's how she wanted it (she's on the "I need certainty" side of the coin right now ... see the post about Concept Duality).

So I guess the question is: "Are you bored yet?"

- Bored with what you're doing?
- Bored with who you've become?
- Bored with who you're becoming?

If you answered yes to any of the above then maybe it is time to start looking at what you're doing on a daily basis that's boring you. And where that behavior will take you in the short term (4 months), the medium term (4 years) and long term (4 decades).

Shake the tree; Rock the Boat; Dance on the uncertainty side of life ...

And then see if the following works for you: "I'm scared ... but I'm certainly not bored any more"

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Living on the Edge

So I'm sitting in Kathmandu getting ready for my leadership trek and I'm re-reading "Sacred Mountains of the World" by Edwin Bernbaum one of my trek leaders. The passage I'm reading discusses how mountains both bring out both a sense of awe and a sense of dread.

It struck me (again) how we are drawn to things that are an enigma. We are drawn to people and places of contradiction (eg. a sense of awe and a sense of dread). Just as I am now drawn to the Himalayas and the base of Mount Everest. A place that both creates awe as well as the nervous tension of the unknown.

I've written about this before in a post on Concept Duality. A post on how we need both sides of the same coin to truly experience life. We need to live on the razor thin edge of certainty and uncertainty, awe and dread, stability and excitement. It even comes into play in our expression of self. We need to both be accepted by our peers and at the same time stand out and be enough of an individual that our groups (friends, family, co-workers) acknowledge our uniqueness (but not so much as to be ostracized by them).

The better we are at living on that edge the more juice we can squeeze out of life. And hence why I'm sitting writing this from Kathmandu and not San Francisco (can you tell, I tend to like the unexpected more than the certain).

So here is my question: Are you really satisfied?

Is your certainty satiated? Are you comfortable that the walls aren't going to give way, that the floor will stay under your feet, that your family is taken care of, that your career is going in the right direction, that your ??? is ???

Is your uncertainty satiated? Are you nervous enough about what tomorrow might bring that you can't wait until the sunrise comes? Are you uncertain enough about what you might do, where you might be, who you might meet, what you might accomplish, what you might ??? tomorrow that it pulls you from your slumber every once in a while and makes you pay attention.

If you're too certain about tomorrow then you'll be board. If you're too uncertain about tomorrow then you'll be terrified.

So here's the challenge:
- If you have too much certainty in your life ... rock the boat
- If you don't know where you'll be tomorrow ... take a breath, reset, and get to calmer waters

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Passion

Everyone wants passion. We want it in our business lives, our romantic lives, our personal lives. Who doesn't want to be with someone who is passionate? Ask anyone the question: "do you want to be passionate about ...?" or "isn't it cool to be around someone who is passionate about ...?" and the answer is always a resounding yes. Of course, since the opposite sounds a little stifled .... "no, I don't like passionate people, I'd rather live in a calmer less engaged environment."

But what is passion? I found a great definition in a strange place. A book on financial literacy. I was reading Robert Kiyosaki's book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and in it he defines passion as "anger and love combined." I think that is a great definition. Passion is the volatile chemical combustion of anger and love. So think about it, if we all want passion in our lives then what are we passionate about? What are we so angry that we'll change things, including our behavior to accomplish?

So here's the real question:

* "What are you passionate about?"

* "What makes you so angry that it pulls you from your slumber?"

* "What white hot intensity of love drives you?"

Don't confuse anger, love and passion with fear. They have the same adrenaline rush. The same endorphin high. But they generate very different behaviors and outcomes.

Passion is a drive towards something ... Fear is a drive away from something. They feel the same but the end results are very different. If you answer the anger part of the passion equation honestly, you'll be able to see drive vs. fear.

So what are you passionate about?

Don't be passionate about being mediocre, comfortable, average. Be passionate about something on the edge. Be angry that you're not on the edge. Be angry that your breath is not taken away every day. Be passionate about creating something.

See you on the wire.

- Steven Cardinale

Lie To Me

There is a new show on TV called "Lie To Me" starring Tim Roth. The show is about a group of professional lie detectors. People who can tell when other people lie using facial expressions and body language.

I love this show. It is fun and light-hearted. It is also pure crap. People think they want the truth and want to know when they are being deceived, but I don't think that is the case ... or at least not a majority of the time. Remember Jack Nickolson in "A Few Good Men" when he says "You can't handle the truth"? That personifies what I'm talking about.

The other day I met someone (a writer) while I was in LA. We started talking about people and what they want to hear. She said adults might not want to hear the truth but kids do. I'm not so sure. The truth is pretty hard sometimes, and even kids don't want to hear it.

Have you ever had someone lie to you? Did you know it was happening? Did you care ... honestly? Was the lie a pretty lie that made you feel good? If it was, I posit that you don't really want the truth. You actually want the lie.

An article in the Economist magazine brought this point home. It talks about media bias and how we all say we want an honest media, but if we look closely (the look closely piece is important, and what this blog is all about) at what readers actually want (and there is plenty of evidence) we really want to have our beliefs confirmed. Now that's a tough pill to swallow. We actually want a biased media ... and our behavior proves it.

Personally, there are many times when it is apparent that the people I'm with NEED a lie. That they actually can't operate around a truthful statement. The truth is too much and they quickly bring up defenses, stop listening, lose focus, go into denial, etc.

So is it wrong to indulge their needs? Is it wrong to help accomplish something by making them think something different ... something untrue? If we need the lie, why are most of us so disturbed when we are lied to? That seems out of wack.

So here is the question:

* "Do you tell lies on a daily basis? Lies that others need. Lies that others want."

* "Can you tell if someone is lying to you? Do you care as long as it makes you feel good"

* "Are you better off with the truth or the lie?"

I'm trying to take a moment and really listen to what's going on around me, with me, today ... not react (that's where swallowing the lies come in), and tell myself the opposite of what I'm hearing. If the opposite is harder to believe ... maybe I want everyone else to "Lie to Me" ... then again, if I can take the path less traveled ... believe the harder piece ... maybe I can see my bias ... then again ... maybe I'm lying :)

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

If today was your last day

The band Nickelback has a song out called "If Today Was Your Last Day". And as you can guess from the title it pushes on wondering about our lives. If today was your end date; your expiration date; your sell-by date; if today was the day you were going to die ... what would you say about your life? About the hyphen that is between:

Born on - Died on

Well today was the last day for a cousin of mine. He was 29 and he died today. Don't know why or how yet. But I was close to him. And it made me feel cold and the winds are bitter today. It made me look a little deeper into what I'm doing with my hyphen. He was young ... but we are all young until we're not. He was strong ... but we are all strong until we're not. He was full of life ... but we are all full of life until we're not.

Being close to someone who has no more days left to make changes: No more days to do something amazing: No more days to create a brilliant hyphen is a very powerful experience.

So the question I ask you:

"What did you do today; this week; this month; this year; that made your hyphen more brilliant?"

If you really can't answer that, then I challenge you to do something about it tomorrow. Get mad, get angry, get passionate ... do something brilliant before the day that comes when today is your last day.

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Attention Machines

"What you believe is heavily influenced by what you pay attention to"

That was the topic of intense conversation between myself and a very close friend. That -

- what you believe is the "Truth" is dependent upon what you experience;
- what you experience is dependent upon what you pay attention to;
- what you pay attention to is guided by your existing internal belief systems;
- your internal belief systems carry the baggage of your historic wants;

All of this leads to a basic argument that what we believe is the "Real Truth" is merely a reflection of what we "Want" to be true based on our history. That's a dense sentence. Re-read it. It means that you can easily fool yourself into believing what is real, simply by wanting it to be real. It doesn't mean it is real or true, only that you think it is.

So if you can let go of the baggage of your historic wants and can take control of your focus - your attention - you can start to see your biases in what you believe is true. Simple to understand, really tough to do in battle.

This discussion came about because of the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon: Where you become aware of something and then see it everywhere (ie. I just bought a new car and now I see them everywhere). We all know reality hasn't changed, but our perception of reality has changed and now suddenly our perception of the truth (it seems that there really are more cars on the road just like my new one).

So the real questions are:

* "What are you paying attention to?"

* "Why are you paying attention to it?"

* "Who is guiding your attention if your not?"
(the media is very good at guiding your attention for you if your not paying attention ... by the way ... so is everyone else)

* "What in your past is guiding your focus?"

So can you stop believing that what you think is true is really true? Can you lose your baggage?

See you on the wire.

- Steven Cardinale

The Great Wall of China

Defenses ... we all have them ... Websters defines it as "a means of protecting" or as "an attempt to retain" coming from "the feminine past participle dēfendere meaning 'to ward off'". Having defenses makes sense when we are defending something valuable. Being protective and defending is a natural behavior. But the question really is:

"What exactly are we defending?"

Many times we are simply defending our old ways of doing things. Defending the status quo. Defending how things have been. Defending against the feeling of fear when we get pushed outside our comfort zone. The automatic behavior of defending what we already know; how things currently are; holding tight to what is; against the fear of the unknown is not defending something of value. It is holding on to the past and doing what you've always done; it is more hiding than defending.

If you have to stop being who you are to become who you want to be, then it makes sense that you will fight that transformation ... you will defend against the change. We have all sorts of justifications, rationalizations, and language that we believe supports a defense, when in reality is just a smoke screen against being scared.

So I guess the questions are:

"What walls do you put up that stop you from changing?"
"What situations do you put yourself in that will require you to stay where you are?"
"What language do you use to convince yourself you are defending something when you are really just not changing?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Distractions

Lately it seems that the universe has been talking to me ... giving me clues ... clues about paying attention ... clues about appreciating the moment ... whispering in my ear to get me to stop letting the details of my life distract me from experiencing the thrill of living.

I met a lady the other day at the hotel gift shop. She was 80 years old and still going strong. Been through cancer and beat it. Been through heart disease and beat it. Still up and dancing and golfing and flirting and living life. And the thing that struck me ... hard ... was when she said:

"I don't know how I got here"

She just couldn't remember the moments that make up 80 years. They go by so quickly. 80 years becomes a blur of daily routines, obligations, requirements ... 80 years of life with little living ... only a few moments worth remembering ... only a few moments to take your breath away. I'm sure we've all heard the quote:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

This chance encounter with my octogenarian friend was not the only secret the universe was whispering in my ear. Just the other day an elderly relative passed away. She lived a long life and had many of the things that we all believe create a good run on this little blue dot. However, I'm sure if you asked her during the last portion of her life she would also have said "I don't know how I got here."

And just recently someone I knew from childhood crossed 30 years and an entire continent to connect with me, and was taken aback by how quickly 30 years had vanished.

I guess we all get distracted with the daily chores of living, and very quickly a life evaporates and we all wonder "how did we get here?"

So the question is: "If you're going to get there anyway, what should you be paying attention to? And how can you stop being so damn distracted"

Maybe it is as Henry David Thoreau said: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each" ...

So what is distracting you? What are you thinking, needing, wanting, hoping for that will keep you distracted from today, from this moment? What distractions are you creating that stop you from having breathless moments that you'll remember in 80 years?

As the ending of the Peaceful Warrior promises:

"Where are you?" Are you Here?

"What time is it?" Is it Now?

Are you paying attention to your life or are you also going to wonder ... "How'd I get here?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

I Miss You

I've been crazy busy the past couple of weeks with travel, events, and the daily tasks necessary to keep the wheels on the cart. The past couple of days I've just started to settle down and get back to my daily routine. And although during the past whirlwind weeks I was very busy, I noticed there were things that I missed from my normal hectic life. Activities, places, and people who I started to think about and I felt a strong draw to get back to them. And this made me think:

"Why do we miss?"

What is it that makes us want to experience things we have experienced in the past? Some people live in the past and miss all the time. And some people live in the future and never think about what they had or currently have. I'm not talking about those extremes. I'm talking about missing some-thing or some-one or some-place because they truly made you smile, made you curious, made you excited and you want to experience that feeling again. They brought a brilliance to your life that was uncommon when placed against others.

In thinking about this, this post has basically become a follow-up to my Christmas Gifts post.

The friend of mine who wrote "How We Choose To Be Happy" said that being grateful for what we have in our lives is part of how happy people stay happy. And I think that missing is part of us acknowledging to ourselves the things that we are grateful for in our lives. And the empty space they leave when they are not there. So, how can we experience the feeling of what it would be like to miss the important things in our lives without having to have them go away? If you can truly feel the emptiness of missing then maybe, just maybe, you'll experience the gratitude of what you currently have, before it's gone.

So the question is: Can you imagine the feeling of the important things around you going away: The sights, sounds, smells, touch of those people, places and things? And if you imagine for a moment the missing, then you can imagine for a moment the gratitude.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Christmas Gifts

Recently I had a chance to reconnect with an old friend of mine. I hadn't really had a chance to connect with her for several years. You know, kids, careers, family ... daily living spins its web of time and keeps you very occupied. But over the Christmas holiday I got to spend several hours with her and it was a gift I won't soon forget.

The gift was not just that she thinks differently than I do (which she does), or sees the world through a set of eyes unique and complementary to mine (which she has), or that she is both passionate enough and curious enough to explore crazy thoughts with me (which she is); as all of these would be amazing gifts alone. The most amazing piece was her desire to give me these gifts, free of attachments. I guess it was her appetite to connect with me that was brilliant.

It made me think of all the things we take for granted (including connection) as we spin through the distractions of our daily lives. A friend of mine wrote a book entitled "How We Choose To Be Happy" and one of the things he says is that happy people are grateful for what they have in their lives. Not that they don't want to grow, but they really feel a profound sense of delight in what they are lucky enough to experience.

As I go through my life's journey, I have become more sensitive to the gifts around me. And my friend's connection with me was a sharp reminder to pay attention to these gifts. Benjamin Zander (the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic) has a great talk on TED. And one of his comments is to "think about someone you love who is no longer with you". That comment is a great reminder as well of not to take things or people for granted and to really experience the gifts they have to offer.

So the question is: Who gives you a gift that you might be taking for granted? And how can you give them a gift back?

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale