What's In a Name

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" - Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet (the entire speech is below)

I was having a conversations with a very dear friend of my yesterday, and we were talking about "what's your question" and "what's your story" (future blog coming on that one). And it got me thinking, that in order to have a story, in order to have a question, there are some underlying labels that we put on ourselves. Practical labels like:

Father

Executive

Wife

Manager

Worker Bee

Leader

Boyfriend - girlfriend

And descriptive labels like:

Forgetful

Confused

Lost

Bad at math

Alone

Scared

Of course we all have these labels. I work for someone, I'm someones girlfriend, I'm someones boss, I'm bad at math. But these labels are just that ... words that describe what were doing at the moment. Read that again ... WHAT WERE DOING AT THE MOMENT. Not who we are. Unfortunately we tend to take these labels and let them start to define WHO we are and not WHAT we're doing. I know I do that ... do you?

And once we label something, and take that labeling into our hearts, it is hard to shake that label off. When the label defines us it takes a huge amount of courage to shake off that definition and change the labeling ... or get rid of the attachment to the label altogether. When we say we're an executive ... then it is hard to be of "service to others" since we always HAVE to be in charge. When we say we're someones boy/girl friend, and it's in our DNA, then it is hard for us to see that we're good enough on our own.

So here's the question: "What labels do you carry with you that you're using to define WHO you are?" and "Can you switch those labels to define WHAT you're doing instead"

- (ie. Right now I work as an executive at XYZ, vs., I'm an executive)

- (ie. Right now I have a boyfriend named John Smith, vs., I'm John Smith's girlfriend)

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

------------- Full Speech -----------

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;

Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.

What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,

Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part

Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!

What's in a name? that which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet;

So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,

Retain that dear perfection which he owes

Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,

And for that name which is no part of thee

Take all myself.'

The Question

I'm in the middle of reading a book by Keith Ferrazzi called "Who's Got Your Back" and it is all about relationship management and how having a different mindset can change everything. And somewhere in the book he talks about how Anthony Robbins asked in the past "what's your main driving question?"

Now I've answered that before ... probably 5+ years ago. What drives me? It's not a simple question. What question does your subconsciousness consistently ask, over and over again? Not something that is in the forefront of your mind. But that question that constantly colors your perceptions, your points of view. I've asked many people and here are the answers I've gotten:

* Am I worthy?

* When will I screw up?

* Am I lovable?

* That's not good enough. (the real question is "Why am I not perfect?")

* Is it safe?
* Am I alone?

There are hundreds of variations, but these variations really just represent different wordings on a few core questions that we as human beings have in the true center of our experience.

So, I've been looking at my Core Question. What drives me. And what is interesting is that once you figure it out, you'll notice that you act in a way to support your belief.

If your question is "Am I lovable" then you will constantly push people to the point where it is tough to love you. You're doing this to test your question "Am I lovable". And if you push hard enough you break the relationship and prove to yourself that you're not lovable (talk about approach-avoidance behavior).

So here's my question:
"What do you have to do to get to your core question?"

"What do you have to let go of so you can really see your core question?"

"What behaviors do you have that are being driven by something deep inside you?"
" What does having your core question do for you?"
" How can you let go of your attachment to your core?"

It's tough stuff. Stuff that you think you've answered and then find out ... nope you don't have it yet. Stuff that you'll judge yourself for.

So answer that question and see how that answer works. Does it really drive all your behaviors? If so then maybe you're at your core.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

You touch me

Have you ever been touched by some-one, some-thing, some-experience that changed you? Changed the way you look at the world? Changed the way you feel about certain things? Changed the way you see, the way you think ... the way you ... changed you? Changed you in such profound ways that you didn't even realize it when it was happening?

Sara Bareilles wrote a song called "Gravity" that has the lyrics "You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains." That is the type of effect I'm talking about. The effect that holds you when your not around; that constantly whispers in the back of your mind; that keeps you without chains; that keeps you seeing through new eyes even when you're alone.

I've had that experience. Both in the further past and in the recent past. And if you let go enough ... if you're not afraid of being touched ... it can be a remarkable experience.

So the question is: "Have you ever been touched?" and "Can you be touched again?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Are you bored yet?

Well I've recently returned from my trip to the Himalayas and I've been telling everyone the exciting yet unexpected set of experiences that I had ... what an amazing time. A place full of the contradictions that give life its splendor (see previous post about living on the edge).

When I returned a friend asked me about the trip and then she preceded to say: "well back to the same old boring grind;" with a smile on her face. That comment took me by surprise. I guess of making such a crazy journey, she thought that everything else would be boring.

I asked her: "Are you bored with your life?", and she answered that she was happy and that everything was calm, so yes, she was bored, but that's how she wanted it (she's on the "I need certainty" side of the coin right now ... see the post about Concept Duality).

So I guess the question is: "Are you bored yet?"

- Bored with what you're doing?
- Bored with who you've become?
- Bored with who you're becoming?

If you answered yes to any of the above then maybe it is time to start looking at what you're doing on a daily basis that's boring you. And where that behavior will take you in the short term (4 months), the medium term (4 years) and long term (4 decades).

Shake the tree; Rock the Boat; Dance on the uncertainty side of life ...

And then see if the following works for you: "I'm scared ... but I'm certainly not bored any more"

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Living on the Edge

So I'm sitting in Kathmandu getting ready for my leadership trek and I'm re-reading "Sacred Mountains of the World" by Edwin Bernbaum one of my trek leaders. The passage I'm reading discusses how mountains both bring out both a sense of awe and a sense of dread.

It struck me (again) how we are drawn to things that are an enigma. We are drawn to people and places of contradiction (eg. a sense of awe and a sense of dread). Just as I am now drawn to the Himalayas and the base of Mount Everest. A place that both creates awe as well as the nervous tension of the unknown.

I've written about this before in a post on Concept Duality. A post on how we need both sides of the same coin to truly experience life. We need to live on the razor thin edge of certainty and uncertainty, awe and dread, stability and excitement. It even comes into play in our expression of self. We need to both be accepted by our peers and at the same time stand out and be enough of an individual that our groups (friends, family, co-workers) acknowledge our uniqueness (but not so much as to be ostracized by them).

The better we are at living on that edge the more juice we can squeeze out of life. And hence why I'm sitting writing this from Kathmandu and not San Francisco (can you tell, I tend to like the unexpected more than the certain).

So here is my question: Are you really satisfied?

Is your certainty satiated? Are you comfortable that the walls aren't going to give way, that the floor will stay under your feet, that your family is taken care of, that your career is going in the right direction, that your ??? is ???

Is your uncertainty satiated? Are you nervous enough about what tomorrow might bring that you can't wait until the sunrise comes? Are you uncertain enough about what you might do, where you might be, who you might meet, what you might accomplish, what you might ??? tomorrow that it pulls you from your slumber every once in a while and makes you pay attention.

If you're too certain about tomorrow then you'll be board. If you're too uncertain about tomorrow then you'll be terrified.

So here's the challenge:
- If you have too much certainty in your life ... rock the boat
- If you don't know where you'll be tomorrow ... take a breath, reset, and get to calmer waters

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Passion

Everyone wants passion. We want it in our business lives, our romantic lives, our personal lives. Who doesn't want to be with someone who is passionate? Ask anyone the question: "do you want to be passionate about ...?" or "isn't it cool to be around someone who is passionate about ...?" and the answer is always a resounding yes. Of course, since the opposite sounds a little stifled .... "no, I don't like passionate people, I'd rather live in a calmer less engaged environment."

But what is passion? I found a great definition in a strange place. A book on financial literacy. I was reading Robert Kiyosaki's book "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" and in it he defines passion as "anger and love combined." I think that is a great definition. Passion is the volatile chemical combustion of anger and love. So think about it, if we all want passion in our lives then what are we passionate about? What are we so angry that we'll change things, including our behavior to accomplish?

So here's the real question:

* "What are you passionate about?"

* "What makes you so angry that it pulls you from your slumber?"

* "What white hot intensity of love drives you?"

Don't confuse anger, love and passion with fear. They have the same adrenaline rush. The same endorphin high. But they generate very different behaviors and outcomes.

Passion is a drive towards something ... Fear is a drive away from something. They feel the same but the end results are very different. If you answer the anger part of the passion equation honestly, you'll be able to see drive vs. fear.

So what are you passionate about?

Don't be passionate about being mediocre, comfortable, average. Be passionate about something on the edge. Be angry that you're not on the edge. Be angry that your breath is not taken away every day. Be passionate about creating something.

See you on the wire.

- Steven Cardinale

Lie To Me

There is a new show on TV called "Lie To Me" starring Tim Roth. The show is about a group of professional lie detectors. People who can tell when other people lie using facial expressions and body language.

I love this show. It is fun and light-hearted. It is also pure crap. People think they want the truth and want to know when they are being deceived, but I don't think that is the case ... or at least not a majority of the time. Remember Jack Nickolson in "A Few Good Men" when he says "You can't handle the truth"? That personifies what I'm talking about.

The other day I met someone (a writer) while I was in LA. We started talking about people and what they want to hear. She said adults might not want to hear the truth but kids do. I'm not so sure. The truth is pretty hard sometimes, and even kids don't want to hear it.

Have you ever had someone lie to you? Did you know it was happening? Did you care ... honestly? Was the lie a pretty lie that made you feel good? If it was, I posit that you don't really want the truth. You actually want the lie.

An article in the Economist magazine brought this point home. It talks about media bias and how we all say we want an honest media, but if we look closely (the look closely piece is important, and what this blog is all about) at what readers actually want (and there is plenty of evidence) we really want to have our beliefs confirmed. Now that's a tough pill to swallow. We actually want a biased media ... and our behavior proves it.

Personally, there are many times when it is apparent that the people I'm with NEED a lie. That they actually can't operate around a truthful statement. The truth is too much and they quickly bring up defenses, stop listening, lose focus, go into denial, etc.

So is it wrong to indulge their needs? Is it wrong to help accomplish something by making them think something different ... something untrue? If we need the lie, why are most of us so disturbed when we are lied to? That seems out of wack.

So here is the question:

* "Do you tell lies on a daily basis? Lies that others need. Lies that others want."

* "Can you tell if someone is lying to you? Do you care as long as it makes you feel good"

* "Are you better off with the truth or the lie?"

I'm trying to take a moment and really listen to what's going on around me, with me, today ... not react (that's where swallowing the lies come in), and tell myself the opposite of what I'm hearing. If the opposite is harder to believe ... maybe I want everyone else to "Lie to Me" ... then again, if I can take the path less traveled ... believe the harder piece ... maybe I can see my bias ... then again ... maybe I'm lying :)

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

If today was your last day

The band Nickelback has a song out called "If Today Was Your Last Day". And as you can guess from the title it pushes on wondering about our lives. If today was your end date; your expiration date; your sell-by date; if today was the day you were going to die ... what would you say about your life? About the hyphen that is between:

Born on - Died on

Well today was the last day for a cousin of mine. He was 29 and he died today. Don't know why or how yet. But I was close to him. And it made me feel cold and the winds are bitter today. It made me look a little deeper into what I'm doing with my hyphen. He was young ... but we are all young until we're not. He was strong ... but we are all strong until we're not. He was full of life ... but we are all full of life until we're not.

Being close to someone who has no more days left to make changes: No more days to do something amazing: No more days to create a brilliant hyphen is a very powerful experience.

So the question I ask you:

"What did you do today; this week; this month; this year; that made your hyphen more brilliant?"

If you really can't answer that, then I challenge you to do something about it tomorrow. Get mad, get angry, get passionate ... do something brilliant before the day that comes when today is your last day.

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Attention Machines

"What you believe is heavily influenced by what you pay attention to"

That was the topic of intense conversation between myself and a very close friend. That -

- what you believe is the "Truth" is dependent upon what you experience;
- what you experience is dependent upon what you pay attention to;
- what you pay attention to is guided by your existing internal belief systems;
- your internal belief systems carry the baggage of your historic wants;

All of this leads to a basic argument that what we believe is the "Real Truth" is merely a reflection of what we "Want" to be true based on our history. That's a dense sentence. Re-read it. It means that you can easily fool yourself into believing what is real, simply by wanting it to be real. It doesn't mean it is real or true, only that you think it is.

So if you can let go of the baggage of your historic wants and can take control of your focus - your attention - you can start to see your biases in what you believe is true. Simple to understand, really tough to do in battle.

This discussion came about because of the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon: Where you become aware of something and then see it everywhere (ie. I just bought a new car and now I see them everywhere). We all know reality hasn't changed, but our perception of reality has changed and now suddenly our perception of the truth (it seems that there really are more cars on the road just like my new one).

So the real questions are:

* "What are you paying attention to?"

* "Why are you paying attention to it?"

* "Who is guiding your attention if your not?"
(the media is very good at guiding your attention for you if your not paying attention ... by the way ... so is everyone else)

* "What in your past is guiding your focus?"

So can you stop believing that what you think is true is really true? Can you lose your baggage?

See you on the wire.

- Steven Cardinale

The Great Wall of China

Defenses ... we all have them ... Websters defines it as "a means of protecting" or as "an attempt to retain" coming from "the feminine past participle dēfendere meaning 'to ward off'". Having defenses makes sense when we are defending something valuable. Being protective and defending is a natural behavior. But the question really is:

"What exactly are we defending?"

Many times we are simply defending our old ways of doing things. Defending the status quo. Defending how things have been. Defending against the feeling of fear when we get pushed outside our comfort zone. The automatic behavior of defending what we already know; how things currently are; holding tight to what is; against the fear of the unknown is not defending something of value. It is holding on to the past and doing what you've always done; it is more hiding than defending.

If you have to stop being who you are to become who you want to be, then it makes sense that you will fight that transformation ... you will defend against the change. We have all sorts of justifications, rationalizations, and language that we believe supports a defense, when in reality is just a smoke screen against being scared.

So I guess the questions are:

"What walls do you put up that stop you from changing?"
"What situations do you put yourself in that will require you to stay where you are?"
"What language do you use to convince yourself you are defending something when you are really just not changing?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Distractions

Lately it seems that the universe has been talking to me ... giving me clues ... clues about paying attention ... clues about appreciating the moment ... whispering in my ear to get me to stop letting the details of my life distract me from experiencing the thrill of living.

I met a lady the other day at the hotel gift shop. She was 80 years old and still going strong. Been through cancer and beat it. Been through heart disease and beat it. Still up and dancing and golfing and flirting and living life. And the thing that struck me ... hard ... was when she said:

"I don't know how I got here"

She just couldn't remember the moments that make up 80 years. They go by so quickly. 80 years becomes a blur of daily routines, obligations, requirements ... 80 years of life with little living ... only a few moments worth remembering ... only a few moments to take your breath away. I'm sure we've all heard the quote:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

This chance encounter with my octogenarian friend was not the only secret the universe was whispering in my ear. Just the other day an elderly relative passed away. She lived a long life and had many of the things that we all believe create a good run on this little blue dot. However, I'm sure if you asked her during the last portion of her life she would also have said "I don't know how I got here."

And just recently someone I knew from childhood crossed 30 years and an entire continent to connect with me, and was taken aback by how quickly 30 years had vanished.

I guess we all get distracted with the daily chores of living, and very quickly a life evaporates and we all wonder "how did we get here?"

So the question is: "If you're going to get there anyway, what should you be paying attention to? And how can you stop being so damn distracted"

Maybe it is as Henry David Thoreau said: "Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit and resign yourself to the influences of each" ...

So what is distracting you? What are you thinking, needing, wanting, hoping for that will keep you distracted from today, from this moment? What distractions are you creating that stop you from having breathless moments that you'll remember in 80 years?

As the ending of the Peaceful Warrior promises:

"Where are you?" Are you Here?

"What time is it?" Is it Now?

Are you paying attention to your life or are you also going to wonder ... "How'd I get here?"

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

I Miss You

I've been crazy busy the past couple of weeks with travel, events, and the daily tasks necessary to keep the wheels on the cart. The past couple of days I've just started to settle down and get back to my daily routine. And although during the past whirlwind weeks I was very busy, I noticed there were things that I missed from my normal hectic life. Activities, places, and people who I started to think about and I felt a strong draw to get back to them. And this made me think:

"Why do we miss?"

What is it that makes us want to experience things we have experienced in the past? Some people live in the past and miss all the time. And some people live in the future and never think about what they had or currently have. I'm not talking about those extremes. I'm talking about missing some-thing or some-one or some-place because they truly made you smile, made you curious, made you excited and you want to experience that feeling again. They brought a brilliance to your life that was uncommon when placed against others.

In thinking about this, this post has basically become a follow-up to my Christmas Gifts post.

The friend of mine who wrote "How We Choose To Be Happy" said that being grateful for what we have in our lives is part of how happy people stay happy. And I think that missing is part of us acknowledging to ourselves the things that we are grateful for in our lives. And the empty space they leave when they are not there. So, how can we experience the feeling of what it would be like to miss the important things in our lives without having to have them go away? If you can truly feel the emptiness of missing then maybe, just maybe, you'll experience the gratitude of what you currently have, before it's gone.

So the question is: Can you imagine the feeling of the important things around you going away: The sights, sounds, smells, touch of those people, places and things? And if you imagine for a moment the missing, then you can imagine for a moment the gratitude.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Christmas Gifts

Recently I had a chance to reconnect with an old friend of mine. I hadn't really had a chance to connect with her for several years. You know, kids, careers, family ... daily living spins its web of time and keeps you very occupied. But over the Christmas holiday I got to spend several hours with her and it was a gift I won't soon forget.

The gift was not just that she thinks differently than I do (which she does), or sees the world through a set of eyes unique and complementary to mine (which she has), or that she is both passionate enough and curious enough to explore crazy thoughts with me (which she is); as all of these would be amazing gifts alone. The most amazing piece was her desire to give me these gifts, free of attachments. I guess it was her appetite to connect with me that was brilliant.

It made me think of all the things we take for granted (including connection) as we spin through the distractions of our daily lives. A friend of mine wrote a book entitled "How We Choose To Be Happy" and one of the things he says is that happy people are grateful for what they have in their lives. Not that they don't want to grow, but they really feel a profound sense of delight in what they are lucky enough to experience.

As I go through my life's journey, I have become more sensitive to the gifts around me. And my friend's connection with me was a sharp reminder to pay attention to these gifts. Benjamin Zander (the conductor of the Boston Philharmonic) has a great talk on TED. And one of his comments is to "think about someone you love who is no longer with you". That comment is a great reminder as well of not to take things or people for granted and to really experience the gifts they have to offer.

So the question is: Who gives you a gift that you might be taking for granted? And how can you give them a gift back?

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Abracadabra

Have you ever been the perpetrator of an illusion? I'm not talking about the David Blaine or Chris Angel type of illusion (actually I am but I'll explain that in a minute). I'm talking about an illusion where the truth was obscured and the only thing that mattered is what other people believed for the moment.

I guess this is a follow up to my pretty lies post since an illusion is just a lie that serves our immediate need (ie. we wave our magic wands and for a second others believe that we can walk on water, or make an elephant disappear, or ...).

I'm seeing it more and more. People crafting words, situations, interactions to hide an underlying truth. So, I guess the question I have is:

"Do we create illusions not for others, but to hide from ourselves?" and of course the next question ... "Do we create illusions to make our true selves disappear?"

We use euphemistic language to hide real underlying conditions (just see George Carlin's discussion on euphemisms), and we use illusions to hide the truth from others and from ourselves. That's the tough one ... the pretty lie ... because the true is so hard to see ... it is so tough to look into the mirror that we actually create magic to hide the elephant in the room. It's easier to make it look like we disappeared than it is to see/acknowledge the truth.

And it is ingrained in our culture. In many cultures ... saving face (hiding the truth via illusions of happiness so others don't see the problems) ... euphemisms ... it has almost come to the point where people expect illusions.

So here is the test ... here is the challenge ...

When you find yourself doing something only for the benefit of what someone else believes at the moment ... STOP ...

STOP the illusion ... do what Penn and Teller have done for years ... draw back the curtain and expose the trick ... expose the illusion and see what happens when people see the man behind the curtain ... And not just people, but see what happens when you see behind the illusion ...

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Pretty Lies

Recently I've been reading a book entitled "Leadership and Self-deception" which describes a pattern of rationalization and self-justification not just at a personal level but at a leadership level. The author calls this self-deception a disease which is an amazing statement giving tangible attributes to behavior based problem. I call it "pretty lies".

We all tell ourselves pretty lies on a daily basis. Rationalizations that allow us to continue doing our daily actions without ever needing to look at the real underlying reasons, feeling the emotions tied to our lies, or examine the belief systems that got us here in the first place.

But the thinking and beliefs that got us here and give birth to these pretty lies is not the thinking and beliefs that will get us to where we want to be. So the question is

"How do we stop lying to ourselves when lying feels so good?"

It is the same question as what is posed in the "Leadership and Self-Deception" book.

Well that is a damn good question and is a core concept I am exploring in this blog. The search for the truth, the Red-pill/Blue-pill Matrix question.

Awareness is the first step in the process. Awareness that your behavior is in opposition to your words. When you say X, but behave Y, you are telling yourself a lie that supports Y (ie. saying I'm not a smoker while puffing away on a cigarette).

Awareness that your behavior is guiding you in a direction different than your words (ie. education is important to me, but I'm taking two years off to travel).

So, look at your behaviors. If they are different they your words, change your words to fit your behaviors. Your behaviors are demonstrating what you really want. I know that is tough, but describe to yourself your behaviors, as clearly as possible. Now look at your words and you'll discover your lies. The disconnect between your behavior and your words.

Now here comes the fun part. CHANGE ONE ... EITHER CHANGE YOUR WORDS, OR CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR ... BUT YOUR WORDS AND YOUR BEHAVIOR NEED TO MATCH.

I guarantee you'll get the following: "Do I really behave like that?" and "Do I really believe that?"

The sudden congruence between words and actions is frightening. The truth staring you in the mirror is nerve wracking.

But it is this congruence that makes all the difference.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Show Me, Don't Tell Me

There is an old Rush song on their Presto album called "Show me don't tell me" (see the Youtube video). The title of this song is the perfect fit for this post which could be titled "Arrogance vs. Self Assurance", but "show me don't tell me" seemed to fit so much better, because this post is just another facet to being alpha.

I know that a running theme in this blog is having an alpha status (alpha male, but male has nothing to do with it). And part of having an alpha status is understanding that showing qualities is the only thing that counts, and telling of good qualities not only doesn't ring true to others, but demonstrates insecurities.

Alright, so this theme has been flying around my interactions quite a bit lately. In fact, just being aware (which will be the subject of a future post) of showing and not telling, has been a big part of last week. It seems that many people are constantly telling me how wonderful they are: how smart, how charming, how good looking, how adventurous, how driven, how passionate, how successful, how rich, how determined ... but the mere fact that they are telling me implies that they are not any of those things. In fact people who are good looking, charming, smart, successful, wealthy, determined, spend their time being those things and don't spend their time talking about it.

As is typical of my analysis, if you push something to it's limit you can get an interesting thought experiment, so let's push this: George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, and all the other good looking actors in Hollywood, don't spend time telling you how attractive they are. In fact they are rather shy. Rather they simply show up and people quickly figure out they are attractive ... and ALPHA.

ALPHA's ... ie leaders of the pack ... don't have to tell you they are XXX, they simply are XXX and it shows through.

So, here is the question of the week:

"How do I make sure that people see I'm XXX (which is being self-assured) and not tell people I'm XXX (which is being arrogant)?"

Simple. Make sure to let people know what you've accomplished in a simple and non-pretentious way and they will quickly understand where you fall in the pack. Let me give you a couple of examples:

* If you want people to know you are smart, then create, post, write, lecture, blog about interesting topics

* If you want people to know you are good looking then dress in style, go to events where you'll be seen, take fashion chances

* If you want people to know you are driven, then make sure that you accomplish many things that are difficult for others

Basically if you want to be remarkable, then do remarkable things (see my previous post on being remarkable).

Or better yet if you are truly alpha, then just simply do those things and don't worry about anyone else knowing you are doing them. Just doing them is enough for you.

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Are You Remarkable?

Am I Remarkable? That is a very interesting question, from a personal as well as a business point of view. One of the marketing pundits out there (Seth Godin) has an entire blog post about it. Really the question is:

"Am I being valuable to others?"

Valuable enough for them to remark on me (hence the "remarkable" part).

This post is about personal value. I believe that all human relationships must provide value from both sides of the relationship, otherwise very quickly (and I'm talking hours/days/weeks ... not months/years/decades), the relationship will wither and die. And this value must constantly be provided. You must constantly be valuable ... be remarkable ... but WHY?

Why? Because the person on the other side of the relationship is spending time, energy, value, on you to maintain the relationship, and if you don't offer value in return, they will spend that time, energy, value somewhere else where they can receive something in return. It is self-centered and self-deceptive not to do so, and very few relationships will survive when one side is giving most of the value. You see this in friendships, lovers, business partners, employers, customers, parents ... all human relationships.

And when you don't pay attention to the value you provide you see the downside in divorce, long-lost friends (why do you think they were lost in the first place), break-ups, business dissolution's, terminations, lost customers, estranged children.

The first part of the previous sentence is important: "when you don't pay attention." Attention to how the other person sees your value. You must be valuable, be remarkable, to the other person, not to yourself ... that is where the self-delusion comes in. When you say "I thought I was remarkable" is when you are in trouble. You need to say "I know I am remarkable because the other person ... "

So here's my 3 step plan to being remarkable and keeping those important relationships in your life:

1.) Pay attention to how other people react to you. - Do they react the same to you as they do to everyone else? If so, then you are not remarkable.

2.) Assume you are easily replaceable. - This is a tough one, because it requires you to look in the mirror and find your flaws. But the truth is, you probably are not the only one who could be in this relationship

3.) Do one thing every day/week/month that makes you irreplaceable. - Figure out how to provide some value that makes your different. Makes you remarkable. And the more value the other person provides, the more remarkable you'll have to be to keep the relationship alive (eg. just think about how good looking you'd have to be to stay on Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie's radar)

Attention/Assumption/Activation - (the activation part is point 3 above).

Simple to understand - Hard to do ... but if you do it ... do it well ... do it in all your relationships ... you will be ... well ... remarkable

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Judgement 2 - The Sequel

I was engaged in a discussion with a very close friend the other day and I heard the language of judgment coming from her. You know the words: "I should have ...", "What will he/she/they think ...", "If only I ...", "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong ..." And so many others.

Of course when I hear the language of judgment I can feel the thoughts of our internal critic rising to the surface. I already made a post on Judgment, but this is a piece that keeps coming back again and again. And it is the language piece that has struck me this time. The language of thought is something I blogged about previously, but it seems to be a key in understanding behavior. If we can understand our language and then believe that our language reflects our thoughts (especially our unconscious thoughts which drive our behaviors and actions) then we might just get a glimpse into the baggage we carry that is causing us to judge (both ourselves and others).

I'm not saying that judgment necessarily is a bad thing. We can all easily judge a criminal and say that their actions are inappropriate. That is not the type of judging I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is the kind of judging that we all do and are unaware that we are doing it ... EXCEPT WHEN WE SPEAK FREELY IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.

Our language betrays us. Our language for an instant when we are not censoring ourselves, allows our true thoughts to come through and allows us to see clearly (which is much harder than you think) and look in the mirror to see what we are judging.

So my challenge to you is to recognize when you are making a judgment ... and don't judge that judgment, simply see it as a judgment. We'll come back to dealing with the judgment ... for now, it should be enough to try and recognize that the judgment is there.

See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale

Concept Duality

I had a very interesting discussion with a close friend of mine the other day about the duality of concepts.

Ideas that seems contradictory but in reality simply illuminate different facets of the same truth.

Anthony Robbins talks about Certainty and Uncertainty (at 9:49) in his TED talk. He talks about how we need to have both to be happy. You have to be certain in a set number of aspects of your life (ie. you have to be certain of your safety or you can't do anything but make sure that you are safe), and you need adventure (ie. uncertainty) so that you can be thrilled with the unpredictability of living. Certainty and Uncertainty are two sides of the same curiosity or expectation need of the human drama.

Look at masculinity and femininity: two sides of the same gender coin. While masculinity has goals and outcome and end points as primary attributes; femininity has process and connection and openness as primary attributes. People who can embody both masculine and feminine characteristics and express those characteristics at the appropriate time are very seductive. In men they are strong but understanding; in women they are soft but independent.

Since truths and concepts can be multi-faceted, then each facet (the different sides of the coin) is important in different situations and consequently very appealling the have access to all the facets.

So what drove this is the concept of being a leader. It seems that great leaders embody many contradictory qualities and can draw upon those qualities at the right moments in time. At times they have a goal like JFK's "Man on the moon speech" where Kennedy's power comes from giving America a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal - from Jim Collins - popularized in "Good to Great") and at other times they simply have a process, or in Martin Luther King's amazing speech, a dream: Not an end-point, but a series of behaviors that over time change our world.

We are all leaders in our own specific worlds: leaders of children, groups, schools, spouses, etc.

What dual concept ... what masculine / feminine forces ... can you conjure up to ignite people?

Tough question to answer truthfully. But just asking it is worth the effort.

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Trying and doing

Recently I've been interacting with a bunch of people who keep telling me they are trying to get something done. They keep on trying and trying but the thing never gets done. When I talk to these folks I hear all sorts of reasons, but mainly they are just trying.

It seems like TRYING IS JUST NOT DOING IN PROGRESS.

Is trying enough? This is a tough question, because how can we tell our children "well honey just do your best" (ie try really, really hard) "and that will be good enough for me." But it is not good enough for everyone else. No one on the outside world cares that you tried. Even tried really hard.

Trying to get into an Ivy League school doesn't mean anything. There are a whole truckload of kids who tried to get good grades, tried to do well on their SATs, tried to do extra activities, etc. But Harvard, Stanford, MIT and the rest of the top tier colleges don't care. In fact they won't even look at your application if you just tried. You better have DONE. GOTTEN good grades, PERFORMED well on the SAT, LEAD really amazing extra activities, because they are only interested in people to tried and did ... succeeded.

The market doesn't care about your trying. You can try to be the best employee, lover, spouse, parent, product, team, organization. People external to you (ie the market) don't care. They will go to where the most value is (see my value post).

It's tough to be the best in the world (see Seth Godin's "The Dip" book), but everything else is just an excuse and doesn't matter. Good conversation for coffee, but won't make a difference in the final analysis.

So how do YOU stop trying and start doing?

See you on the wire

- Steven