Effortless

I love that word.  Effortless.  It kinda just drips off your tongue slithering away kinda like what it sounds.  Effortless.  And that's what I've been trying to do for the past little while.  Become effortless in my doing, my being, my awareness.

Writing is about being effortless: When the muse takes over, and you close your eyes, and the words just come and you can't stop them it's effortless. Human relationships are about being effortless: When you're with that specific person and the rest of your environment fades away and it's only you and them, it's effortless.  Even business can be effortless: When you are crafting new ideas from thin air, it's effortless.

I love that state, the state of effortlessness.  Daniel Pink's book Drive talks about a state called flow which comes from the work of Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi as outlined in his book flow. And Mihaly essentially states that people are the most happy when they are in a state of flow.  Or in my terms, I'm happy when things are effortless.

I certainly don't like having to do things that are effort-full.  Effort-full means that you are getting very little progress for a very large amount of energy.  Effort-full is not fun, not happy ... basically just not.

Now I understand that (as Geneen Roth states in Women Food and God) that it takes a great deal of effort to become effortless at anything.  And that real change happens bit-by-bit.  I think there is a path to becoming effortless without killing yourself with effort to get there.

It happens through being aware of how you act, what you pay attention to, how you grow.  It happens through seeing where your effort is going and then getting out of your own way.

So here's my question: "When was the last time you did something and stopped trying to do it and just started feeling effortless?"  I experimented with this a the gym this morning.  Happened for a moment (only a brief moment, but a moment).  If you can start to look out for those effortless moments and then see what they smell, feel, taste like, then maybe you'll capture more effortlessness.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who's the fairest one of all?"

That famous line from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs seems to embody more poisonous spirits than a pit full of vipers.  From an ego fully ablaze to a mountain of insecurities that would send any climbing expert into shivers; those 11 words seem to be tightly implanted into today's consciousness (especially the feminine mindset) and express a deep cause of so much pain.

We all need to be seen. To be recognized not just by our physical presence, but to be truly seen and heard at every level of our existence.  I just finished watching James Cameron's Avatar with the kids. Avatar's Na'Vi tribe greet each other by saying "I see you" which is a translation of the Sanskrit Namaste which loosely translates to "the divine spark in me greets the divine spark in you."  The idea of Namaste has been around for thousands of years, from the Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Christian, Jewish and Muslim traditions.  And I personally experienced it when I trekked the Himalayas and had to connect to others on the mountain.  You must truly see the other to be able to say Namaste.

So why have we fallen pray to looking into the Mirror to be seen? Why is it so hard to truly connect with another in the Western culture? If we crave a true connection, and looking into the mirror is the only way we can be seen, we experience a warped sense of ourselves.  Because to truly be seen, we need to look at ourselves through another's eyes, since our eyes distort our view of beauty and truth through the delusions and weight we carry.

Have you ever truly watched the differences in how we see each other?  Have you seen how a parent sees a child in all their innocence and how that spark of parental caring obliterates a child's flaws?  For when a parent sees a child (but truly sees, and not just looks) all the warped reflections of the mirror evaporate.  How about looking through a lovers eyes.  You've seen that look.  When one person's reflection of themselves in the mirror drifts away through a lover's eyes.

When we do truly connect, when the spark of the divine from one meets the spark of the divine of another, it can be a magical and transformational experience.

So here's my question: "Have you ever tried to break those mirrors?  Have you ever tried to truly see yourself through another's eyes?" If you can let go of the need to find out if you are the "fairest one of all" and crack those mirrors, and see yourself through the eyes of another, maybe all that self-imposed punishment will evaporate and you'll be able to connect to the divine spark in you as well as the other.

So break the mirrors.  See your reflection through someone else's eyes.  I'm sure you'll amazed at how your reflection looks from the other side of their divine spark.  From the mirror of someone else's eyes.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

You selfish bastard

"Am I Being Selfish?"

That was the question posed the other night to me. It's an interesting question. Aren't we all selfish about something at one point or another? Yes. But that got me thinking: is that a bad thing, and what exactly does it mean to be selfish?

I was reading an interesting book called Intimacy from a Buddhist teacher. He has an unique point of view: "Selfishness is natural.  There comes a moment when you are sharing by being selfish.  When you are in a state of overflowing joy, then you can share."

And Geneen Roth, the author of Women Food and God, talks about our need to beat ourselves up for being selfish.  For wanting something that we think we shouldn't have (read that line again, it is something we perceive we shouldn't enjoy, not something that is bad for us ... it is our perception).  And in her world that want is a craving for food.  Or a craving to be thin.  Or some other craving that we can't satisfy.  And we feel selfish for wanting.

This seems to fit right within my post on limitations.  When we are limited by outside forces, by our past, by society, by our own fears; we cope by feeling selfish for something that we could freely enjoy, something that as living, breathing creatures will enhance our lives.  And then comes the strange behaviors: The self-loathing, the bingeing or anorexia (in the Woman Food and God case), the closing our minds to the experiences.

So being selfish, or as Osho from Intimacy calls it "self-full", is just being human.  And being human is the only true thing we can be.

So, here's my question: "What do you think you don't deserve.  Or if you do or get means you're being selfish?"  Is it that shiny new car?  Is it that great desert?  Is it something else that you feel you don't deserve?  What would the world look like, smell like, feel like, if you were'nt afraid, if maybe just maybe you did deserve it, and by having it you wouldn't feel selfish, but self-full.  How would that change your life?

See you on the wire.

-- Steven Cardinale

Swallow Hard

I'm reading a book entitled "Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love" and I went into the little cafe close to the office.  Now, it's an interesting book ... basically the science of why we fall and who we fall for.  You know the neuroscience of love (yea, I'm a geek I admit it ... but geeks are kinda adorable, aren't they).  Kinda a peak under the covers of when Al Pacino says to Keanu Reeves in The Devil's Advocate:

quote
Keanu: What about love?
Pacino: Overrated.  Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.

But this post is not about the book.  It's the reaction the book brought on this morning when I went into the cafe.  The woman behind the counter saw the title and started talking to me about the book.  She asked what it was about.  And as soon as I told her it is the science of falling in love, she put her entire belief system on display for me to see (read that line again, since I think it is something we all do more often than we'd like to admit).

When I said "it's the neuroscience of why we fall in love" she said "because we're supposed to."  When I asked "why do you think we're supposed to?" she said "just because."  And that was pretty much it.  No thought, no inquiry, no curiosity, no depth, no exploration ... "just because"

Then of course I asked "ok, but why with specific people?" and she said "because that's the way it's supposed to be?"  I said, "ok, but why?  Why guy A and not guy B? And what happens when guy A dies?  Is that it?"  I was just pushing to get her to engage and think through her answer.  And of course I get "because God wants us to" and my response (you should know by now) ... "but why?"  And her answer "just because"

So she has swallowed her belief system so hard that she can't even attempt to ask questions and explore it.  She's drank the Kool-Aid and HAS to have full faith that her belief system is a true and solid foundation for her to stand.  Now maybe if I could ever get to her beliefs ... maybe they are true ... then again maybe they're not.  But I couldn't even explore them.  She just HAS to believe because any exploration could yield doubt and her beliefs have become her character ... and oh my, what happens if we start to doubt our character.

Ok, so here's my question: "What belief have you swallowed so hard on that you can't even explore it?"  By the way, we all have them.  What's yours?  Think about writing down what you believe in.  Then look at it and ask yourself why you believe in it.  If it's nerve wracking to even explore it, then maybe your just swallowing hard ... maybe you should explore it more ... maybe it's more true ... but really look at how you feel if it's not true ... because with exploration comes knowledge and with knowledge maybe, just maybe, comes a nugget of truth.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Running Away

As I read Women Food and God so many ideas are bubbling to the surface that we need to explore. The author, Geneen Roth says the following:

"Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence (of love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, feeling, situation."

And ... "if compulsive eating is anything, it's a way we leave ourselves when life gets hard"

and finally ... "The way we are able to accomplish all of this is by the simple act of bolting--of leaving ourselves--hundreds of times a day."

If you're anything like most of us, it's the running away part that is the most consistent.  Although Geneen Roth in Women Food and God uses food as a drug of choice, the running away, the not willing to face the moment is what rings true.  And running away comes in so many forms

* anesthetic: food, alcohol, drugs ... anything the deadens the feelings
* distraction: TV, parties, superficial relationships ... anything that distracts us from the feelings
* disconnection: travel, work, overly committed organizations ... anything that requires your attention away from your feelings

When things got tough for me, I used to say "I want to go home" even when I was in my house.  You know it, it's the "a house is not a home" concept.  I defined home as a place where I was safe.  A place where I was unconditionally accepted.  A place where I could be vulnerable and experience my feelings without the need to protect myself all the time.

I believe a vulnerable place to experience feelings is at the crux of the matter.  Not a place where your feelings are discounted, but a place where you can feel what you feel.  It drives me crazy when someone is crying and they are told "it will be alright".  Being alright is not the point.  Being able to cry is the point, being able to feel is the point.

So here's my question: "Where can you go to be vulnerable to experience the feelings?"  Maybe it's a physical place, maybe it's an emotional space, maybe it's someone's arms.  But it's a place you can call home.  A place you don't have to run away from.  A place you can run to.  So when you're about to run away, to apply some anesthetic drug, distract yourself from the truth, or disconnect by getting on a plane/train/or automobile, ask yourself ... where's home.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

The Muse

O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend The brightest heaven of invention, A kingdom for a stage, princes to act And monarchs to behold the swelling scene! - William Shakespeare, Act 1, Prologue of Henry V image: Gustave Moreau, Hesiod and the Muse (1891)

So what is the muse? Why is she (and note the use of the feminine) so very important? According to Greek mythology the muse is a daughter of Zeus. Not bad credentials ... being descendant from Gods. But who is she and why is she so important to creation?

I was talking about this and the source of inspiration with a dear friend of mine the other day. And what struck me was the allure of being inspired. When inspiration hits, when creativity flows, when you can pull something from the heavens and make it real on earth, it is kinda amazing to watch.

So whatever your muse, whatever you inspirational source is, it should be adored. In fact I think humans are drawn to their muses. The British poet Robert Graves talks about falling in love with the muse:

"No Muse-poet grows conscious of the Muse except by experience of a woman in whom the Goddess is to some degree resident. A Muse-poet falls in love, absolutely, and his true love is for him the embodiment of the Muse..."

I suspect this connection to the muse (to your source of inspiration) is so powerful that you can't help but become bonded ... or as Robert Graves puts it ... fall in love.

Maybe the feeling of inspiration flows from the same well as the inspiration of birth. Birthing an idea, birthing a child, birthing art all flow from that moment when you are free to create and are not bound by your mortal coils of limitation (see my limits post).

So I understand why man does it, but what's in it for the muse?

I think that not only is the artist, the person inspired/changed by touching the muse, but the muse is as well. Both the artist and the muse bond as one and they are both changed. The artist inspired, the muse fulfilled.

So here's my question: "What inspires you?" Today, what event, place, person, thing inspires you to keep going. Identify it, adore it, express it, and I think you'll find a muse hiding just beneath the surface.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

The Hyphen

Like I said in a previous post, the book "Women Food and God" has hit me with enough force to require me to explore Geneen Roth's writings. In one section Geneen talks about using obsession to "deal with the hard part-the part that happens between being two years old and dying."

I've had this notion for a while that this is the hypen. The part between your birth-date and your death-date. It's the messy middle between Born 1964 - Died ??? And everything that is important is in that messy middle. To be honest we don't control our birth, and rarely do we really control our death. But the middle, the hypen, the hardest part ... that's all us. There is no one to look to for crafting our lives than ourselves. Sure some people have more resources (Tony Robbins explores the idea that resources really don't guide our lives in a great TED talk), but in the final analysis you make the decisions that shape your hyphen.

So what's your strategy for dealing with the scary messy middle? Do you use drugs or obsession to cover up and hide? What's your drug of choice? Alcohol, weed, Heroin, TV, food? Food is the drug of choice that Geneen talks about in Women Food and God.

Why is it so hard to look at that unfinished hyphen and be dazzling?

So here's the question: "If you stop today, write your unfinished hyphen down, and then put an imaginary finish to it ... what will your hyphen be about?"

Will it be about being safe?

Will it be about being curious?

Will it be about challenging the status quo?

Will it be about fitting in?

Will it be about hiding with your drug of choice?

Once you decide to take control of your hyphen ... even just by looking at it ... you've starting crafting a raft to get across the hardest part.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Limitations

Last night I was hit by a single strange thought:

"Who am I?"

I know it's kind of an existential thought. But for some reason last night that question would not let me go. So I pushed on that question. "Who am I?" begat "Who do I want to be?" begat "Who have I become?" And that question got me thinking:

"What beliefs do I have that form my boundaries and mold the soft clay of who I am?"

And if my beliefs are boundaries, and boundaries are limits, then what limitations am I placing on myself that I'm using to form my own character?

Benjamin Zander has a great talk on TED that explores self-imposed limits through the lens of classical music. He essentially says that the classical music industry has limited itself by saying that only 3% of the population loves classical music. A self-imposed limit. But he asks the question ... "what if we're wrong?" ... "what if that 3% limit is our own limit?" ... "what if everyone loves classical music they just don't know it yet?"

That goes to the heart of "Who am I?" It begs the question of "why am I limiting myself?" Not just for individuals, but for businesses, for organizations, for cultures.

So here's the question: "What limits are you placing on yourself right now that are keeping you encased in this self-imposed box?" What people are you connecting / not connecting with? What career do you have / don't have? What food do you eat / avoid?

Ask yourself: "If I wasn't ... " "with person X"/"doing job Y"/"living in Z" ... how would my life be different and why have I boxed myself in with these limits?

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Women, Food and God

A friend of mine recently told me about the book "Women, Food and God" which has been exploding from the bookstores when the author Geneen Roth was featured on Oprah.

When I first heard about the book it didn't register. So I decided to read it. It's a book about food? It's a book that Oprah loved? It's a book about religion? Well it's all of these things and it's none of these things. It's a book about addiction. It's a book about awakening. It's a book about transforming your actions through your eyes.

It's a book that has so hit the mark by combining mindfulness with obsession that it will influence what I write in this blog for the next several entries. Just thought you should know why I'm doing what I'm doing. Talking through ideas in the "Women, Food and God" book is just a way to pour more verbal concrete into these ephemeral mindful ideas.

Hope having more than one place to latch onto my thoughts helps.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

The Roaring Ego

A dear friend and I were talking about how easy it is for our egos to rear their demonic heads and explode to the front when our belief systems are challenged. I'm sure you've seen this both looking across the dinner table as well as in the morning mirror.

When things are going well, easily, as planned (or as we think we'd like to plan them ... ie. when we're doing nothing to upset the apple cart of our beliefs), our ego can be fully engaged in silent control. We have the illusion that everything is OK. But when something doesn't quite go the way we intellectually think it should ... watch out ... watch your defense systems come right to the top to protect that ego ...

Let me ask you a question. What would you say if you heard the following:

"You're not as good looking as you think"

"You're terrible at your job. You're fired"

"You're not the person I thought you were"

Are your answers something like "tough shit, you're wrong, I'm gorgeous/I quit/I'm leaving" or it's counterpart "oh my, you are so right, I can't believe I didn't know I was this scruffy/this incompetent/this mean" Is your ego defending itself with shield and sword, or throwing a pity party?

On a gut check level, are you physically feeling these responses as emotions, as physical sensations? That's the ego. I've seen mine get so fully wrapped up in defending me (by the way, I didn't ask for it to defend me) that it's almost comical. I've gone to war of words with all it's attendant collateral damage just to keep my belief that I'm the best/worst.

But it doesn't have to be that way. You can simply keep your ego in it's safe little cage by realizing that being the best/1st/worst/last doesn't really matter. That it only matters to your ego. That it doesn't define you. And that if you let it define you, you're not in control, your ego is.

So here's the question: "What do you consistently have to be the best/worst at?" If you can take a step outside yourself, ask yourself "why do I need to win/lose that" and realize that winning/losing doesn't matter, you'll free yourself of that little ego chain.

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

It's Not About You

When you love someone, anyone, a parent, a child, a lover, a friend, a co-worker, you don't think about you, you think about them. That's one of the defining traits of truly caring ...

It's Not About You, It's About Them

When lovers connect, they melt into each other, if only for a moment. For that moment it is not about how they feel, it is about how the other feels. They give up a little bit of themselves to bond with someone else.

You've seen this, you know what it looks like from the outside, you know what it feels like from the inside. People call it sacrifice ... a parent's sacrifice for a child, Romeo's sacrifice for Juliet, a friend's sacrifice for the safety of his comrades. But I don't think it is a sacrifice. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines sacrifice as "something given up or lost". But sacrifice comes from Middle English meaning "to make sacred". So really, when it's about them and not about you, nothing is given up or lost, rather the contrary, you are making the connection with the other person sacred.

I believe this is true across all human relationships: personal, romantic, professional, familial. When you let go of the ego thinking it is all about you, and you feel you've gained something when it's all about them ... magic happens:

* Lovers fall in love all over again

* Clients can't help but grow their relationships

* Colleagues become more attached and loyalty grows

So here's the question: "When's the last time you stopped thinking about yourself and starting thinking about them." But you have to answer the question honestly. The last time you felt compelled to focus on them, and felt like you gained something, you didn't make a sacrifice.

If you can do this ... let go of your ego and truly care about the other individual, they'll be so floored that the lover will fall in love again, the client will become ecstatic again, the team will be adoring again ... and you ... and you my friend ... you'll have gained something indescribable

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale

Just Ask

Have you ever wanted something but didn't quite know how to ask for it?

Have you ever been scared to ask a question? To ask THE question? To ask for something you needed or deserved?

Have you ever been ... "To Afraid To Ask"

I was talking with a very dear friend of mine about this exact topic. Why are we afraid to ask? We catastrophize about the answer we MIGHT get. We're scared that the answer is not something we want to hear. We don't know the outcome so we get caught up in the fantasy about how the BEST answer and the WORST answer might feel.

I was taught awhile ago by a friend that "all you have to do is ask." As simple as that sounds it is simple but not easy to do. But she was right. All you have to do is ask. Or help the other person ask. Making the sound, verbalizing the need, pouring the visible concrete of words into the invisible mold of thought is all it takes to bring something to life.

But there's one big trick ... you can't be attached to the answer.

If you are attached to the answer of the question, you'll never ask the right question.

- If you're afraid she'll say no, then you'll only ask questions she can't say no to, and you'll never really be free enough to ask the true question

- If you're afraid the client will say they don't need you, then you'll never ask them why they need you

So here's the question: "What are you afraid to ask?"

If you've got an entire scenario in your head of how the answer will turn out (either for the best or for the worst or both), then figure out what you're afraid of, let go of it, and

ask the question ... ask a different question ... ask a better question.

To paraphrase Tony Robbins: "The quality of our lives comes down to the quality of the questions we ask"

So don't be afraid of what they might say, find a great question, count to 3 (no procrastinating) and ...

Just Ask

See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale