I have a friend who wrote a book entitled "How We Choose To Be Happy." He basically talks about how happy people have a certain set of traits that makes and keeps them happy ... 9 traits (domains) to be exact. One of them is gratitude: being grateful for what you already have. Well since I've been re-reading his book and blogging more frequently now, I've noticed that a good deal of what I blog about are things that are problematic.
This is my standard (and I perceive most people's) way of communicating. You don't need help or to express things that are going extremely well. You just enjoy the experience. Yon only need to express things that are problematic and causing difficulties. That's how you get help with those things and push on them and figure them out.
Well, today, I thought, I'd be happy and really focus on what I'm grateful for, so here's my list:
* People who spend the time to really connect with me
* An inquisitive mind
* Being healthy, and getting healthier every day
* Peers (everyone from sage's in books to children to colleagues to personal relationships) that let me learn to see the world from a different perspective
* Being and giving love, in all it's states: Personally, professionally, emotionally, parentally
* Creativity in all forms: musical, literary, business, technological
* Technology: It's present state, my understanding, my skills
* Spirituality and the ability to be open to new ideas
That's a bunch, and I'm sure there are hundreds inside each of those categories; and I am grateful for each and every one.
What are you grateful for?
See you on the wire.
- Steven
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm Not Worthy!
In the movie "Wayne's World", Garth says "I'm not worthy" when he is faced with a rock legend. I recently had conversation with a very close friend and the "I'm not worthy" topic reared its head. I know that everyone (me included ... especially me) don't feel worthy at times.
* I'm not worthy if I haven't made a certain goal that everyone else thinks I should have made (external validation)
* I'm not worthy if I haven't surpassed all the lofty goals of saving the world that I set for myself (ego getting in the way)
* I'm not worthy if I'm not already the best at ... because I should be ...
Seems like most of this all comes from external judgment (see the previous post on judgment) and not from a true lack of worth.
So how do we go from not feeling worthy (whether we know that's how we're feeling) to having a healthy sense of self-worth and not cross over into arrogance?
It seems that arrogance has more to do with looking for external validation than actually accomplishing something. So you are arrogant (and yes, I've been called arrogant on many occasions ... sometimes called for ... and sometimes not) when you accomplish something only so other people can see your accomplishment. Ok, that sounds like a good line. Do amazing things from a point of view of doing amazing things and not worry what other people think. Of course part of doing amazing things is letting people know you did them. So it is a subtle shift but a good shift ... a shift of perspective of where you are coming from.
And doing amazing things (like being a rock legend) just because you want to do things that are amazing and then recognizing that you did them is all part of a healthy self-worth.
So remember, those feelings of not being worthy are gifts that someone else gave you. Return them ... send them back to the store ... give them to someone else ... just don't keep them.
And then do something amazing ... just cause you can.
Remember the last line in Seth Godin's book The Dip: "Go ahead, do something. We're waiting"
See you on the wire
- Steven
* I'm not worthy if I haven't made a certain goal that everyone else thinks I should have made (external validation)
* I'm not worthy if I haven't surpassed all the lofty goals of saving the world that I set for myself (ego getting in the way)
* I'm not worthy if I'm not already the best at ... because I should be ...
Seems like most of this all comes from external judgment (see the previous post on judgment) and not from a true lack of worth.
So how do we go from not feeling worthy (whether we know that's how we're feeling) to having a healthy sense of self-worth and not cross over into arrogance?
It seems that arrogance has more to do with looking for external validation than actually accomplishing something. So you are arrogant (and yes, I've been called arrogant on many occasions ... sometimes called for ... and sometimes not) when you accomplish something only so other people can see your accomplishment. Ok, that sounds like a good line. Do amazing things from a point of view of doing amazing things and not worry what other people think. Of course part of doing amazing things is letting people know you did them. So it is a subtle shift but a good shift ... a shift of perspective of where you are coming from.
And doing amazing things (like being a rock legend) just because you want to do things that are amazing and then recognizing that you did them is all part of a healthy self-worth.
So remember, those feelings of not being worthy are gifts that someone else gave you. Return them ... send them back to the store ... give them to someone else ... just don't keep them.
And then do something amazing ... just cause you can.
Remember the last line in Seth Godin's book The Dip: "Go ahead, do something. We're waiting"
See you on the wire
- Steven
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Dip
I just got done reading Seth Godin's book "The Dip" again, for the 3rd time. And many of the same points rang true to me this time as last. Quitting is a good strategic plan for most human endeavors. Not jumping from one thing to another when the short run tasks become difficult or tiresome. But rather being able to recognize when an activity, goal (or better yet; an intention) no longer is valuable, and then leaving; quitting; breaking-up; divorcing; letting go; paying attention somewhere else: Is the most productive and rationale thing to do (read "The Dip" because it really drives this point home).
Of course if this is just a short term sticking point and there are long term benefits that you can receive then you are just in The Dip and you should stay committed, persevere, and get through the tough times since all the value lies just around the bend. Of course here's the trick: seeing around the corner before you get there (is the road after the bend leading to a pot of gold, or just a dead end). And seeing beyond the bend requires seeing into the future. Something that us humans are really bad at.
So how about if we just see into the present and not the future to see if this is just a dip, or a long slide to failure. If the circumstances are providing value (more on that later), then the dip is probably just a dip and not a cliff to problems. Now we just have to identify value and not rationalize false behaviors (ie not be in denial and pretend that what is happening to us is valuable when it really isn't). A quick note on value (I'll post a bunch more about that later). Value is ALWAYS reciprocated. Sometimes it is hard to see what value is being received on both sides. So when you are trying to see if this is a dip, ask yourself the following questions:
"What value am I getting from my current circumstances?"
- and -
"What value am I providing to my current circumstances?"
And value during dips can be simple and small (although Seth, and I, advocates leaning into dips and getting huge value ... like putting in a ton of effort at the beginning of learning snowboarding). But if there is value both being extracted as well as provided (and learning why this dip is a dip can be just the value you need) then keep moving forward.
Final piece on value: decide what is valuable ahead of time; before you start a project. That way you don't need to figure out what's important in the heat of battle. Don't be a frozen stick-in-the-mud and unwilling to change your point of view on value, but have a good set of markers at the beginning. Most people do this intuitively; I'm just asking you to do it consciously (eg most women know that once their husbands become drug addicts and start beating them and the kids that this behavior represents a cliff to failure and not just a dip).
The other piece about The Dip that hit me hard was the fact that it is implicit in all human relationships and pursuits. Romantic relationships have dips; friendships; businesses; business partners; new businesses; jobs; lovers; parents; children ... they all have the potential for dips, and the potential for catastrophic failure. And you will be better off figuring out sooner rather than later if the bend in the road ahead means full steam ahead or slam on the brakes.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Sent from my BlackBerry
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Judgement
Recently I had a set of intense conversations with some very close friends about the topic of judgment. And wow, what a rabbit hole that topic created. Judgment seems to be prevalent in so many activities that it is almost impossible to escape it.
Is judgment the metric we use to help drive our decisions? Should I do this or that? Am I good enough to ... ? Will they approve of me doing ... ? I'm sure that a ton of our feeling judged come from our parents, society, authority figures, religion, and many other external sources. The question is: Is judgment useful? Especially external perceived judgment.
Or does external perceived judgment cause us to do things we don't want to or shouldn't (eg I should be a better son and do ... for my parents), or KEEP us from doing things we want or should (eg what will my friends think if I ...)?
If we stop using, applying and feeling judged will society devolve into chaos and an animalistic horde? Or can we use our own internal compass to guide ourselves in decisions without the pressures of external judgments? External judgments seem to be more about who we let judge us and less about making decisions that will be valuable to us personally.
And what is a judgment anyway? And why do we give THEM the power to judge? It seems that judgment has a huge component of self-esteem / self-worth built into it. If you feel that you have as much or more value as the judge then you typically don't care about their judgment (do you really care about what the homeless person on the street thinks about a recent decision of yours).
So maybe external judgment and looking for validation is all about us not feeling worthy. And how those feelings are presented to us early in life and continued through our adulthood. If we can shrug off judgment then maybe we can shrug off all the associated garbage as well.
Don't get me wrong, I think judgment is a very useful form of mind control. And I think the vast majority of folks need that structure to exist in a cooperative way (just think of how well the threat of "Hell" works for the religious crowd).
In order to release judgment, I think you need to take the next cognitive leap in development: to separate yourself from the crowd. Basically to be free from the thoughts of others and feel enough personal value that institutionalized or individual judgments are no longer important. Of course this is different than arrogance or self-esteem. Those are things you get, things you build, things you have. I'm talking about the confidence that releasing others opinions of you will not shake your internal core. It is a subtle shift in perception, but all amazing things start with a subtle shift.
- Steven Cardinale
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Are We All Equal?
I was having a discussion with a very close friend of mine and the question arose:
"Are We All Equal?"
That question arose as we were pushing on the topic of egalitarian relationships between people and where does egalitarianism cross the line and become enabling. Where is an egalitarian relationship functional and where is it dysfunctional?
I know that as a Utopian desire everyone being equal has its place. However even in old philosophy everyone is not considered equal. The topic becomes even more obscure as we try and figure out what it means to be equal.
It seems that there are certain facets of equality that are different depending upon the relationship: Friends, Lovers, Professional, Mates, Parental, Competitors.
Each of these relationships imbues into the relationship a certain set of facets of equality. For example children in our culture (American) are not equal in decision making authority as compared to their parents. As a matter of law parents are responsible for the safety of their children and allowing a child to decide how late to stay out, how much (or if) to drink alcohol, what to wear or bring to school, puts certain burdens on the parent. Children and parents do not live in an egalitarian relationship the majority of the time. Parents can give children the authority of impart their desires but ultimate decision making authority lies in the adult.
So what about in a professional relationship? Can companies be run in an egalitarian framework? What about politics and societies as a whole? Are we really all equals? Or have we given authority, decision making, and enforcement to centralized bodies? When it comes to laws; judges, police, legislators, and other government positions certainly have greater strength than each public individual. When it comes to corporate governance, the higher ups (in fact we have language that specifies a hierarchy as Superiors), are not equal to the employees in the trenches.
What about lovers, mates, personal relationships? In many countries men and women explicitly are not equal. In the American culture two mates in a relationship ideally come from the exact same level, however that typically is not the case. Depending upon the decision one person in the couple will have authority (for example 80% of all purchase decisions are made by the head female figure in the family). In fact we have language to show this positioning - "he/she wears the pants in the family."
So with all this positioning it seems that egalitarian rule is an ideal that is not widely made its way into day-to-day living. Why?
In assuming that everyone is equal, I am going to posit the following:
1.) All traits necessary to make a specific decision are equal
2.) The outcome (costs, both implicit and explicit - see the posting on decisions and costs) are equally shared
If the above two points are true, then perhaps an egalitarian point of view is appropriate. However, it seems that in most human relationships, the above is not true (in fact it is a specialized case of an economic externality) and consequently pushing an egalitarian agenda seems dysfunctional.
Just my $0.02. I could be wrong.
See you on the wire
- Steven
"Are We All Equal?"
That question arose as we were pushing on the topic of egalitarian relationships between people and where does egalitarianism cross the line and become enabling. Where is an egalitarian relationship functional and where is it dysfunctional?
I know that as a Utopian desire everyone being equal has its place. However even in old philosophy everyone is not considered equal. The topic becomes even more obscure as we try and figure out what it means to be equal.
It seems that there are certain facets of equality that are different depending upon the relationship: Friends, Lovers, Professional, Mates, Parental, Competitors.
Each of these relationships imbues into the relationship a certain set of facets of equality. For example children in our culture (American) are not equal in decision making authority as compared to their parents. As a matter of law parents are responsible for the safety of their children and allowing a child to decide how late to stay out, how much (or if) to drink alcohol, what to wear or bring to school, puts certain burdens on the parent. Children and parents do not live in an egalitarian relationship the majority of the time. Parents can give children the authority of impart their desires but ultimate decision making authority lies in the adult.
So what about in a professional relationship? Can companies be run in an egalitarian framework? What about politics and societies as a whole? Are we really all equals? Or have we given authority, decision making, and enforcement to centralized bodies? When it comes to laws; judges, police, legislators, and other government positions certainly have greater strength than each public individual. When it comes to corporate governance, the higher ups (in fact we have language that specifies a hierarchy as Superiors), are not equal to the employees in the trenches.
What about lovers, mates, personal relationships? In many countries men and women explicitly are not equal. In the American culture two mates in a relationship ideally come from the exact same level, however that typically is not the case. Depending upon the decision one person in the couple will have authority (for example 80% of all purchase decisions are made by the head female figure in the family). In fact we have language to show this positioning - "he/she wears the pants in the family."
So with all this positioning it seems that egalitarian rule is an ideal that is not widely made its way into day-to-day living. Why?
In assuming that everyone is equal, I am going to posit the following:
1.) All traits necessary to make a specific decision are equal
2.) The outcome (costs, both implicit and explicit - see the posting on decisions and costs) are equally shared
If the above two points are true, then perhaps an egalitarian point of view is appropriate. However, it seems that in most human relationships, the above is not true (in fact it is a specialized case of an economic externality) and consequently pushing an egalitarian agenda seems dysfunctional.
Just my $0.02. I could be wrong.
See you on the wire
- Steven
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Do you believe?
I finally had time to catch up on some television shows I've been wanting to watch. Thank heaven for iPods, iTunes, Tivo, Handbrake, and all the technology that let's me take shows with me. One of the shows I've heard was great and I wanted to watch is Saving Grace. Holly Hunter plays a detective with all sorts of issues. Good writing, characters that are interesting to watch, overall good show. But get this. I'm watching the 1st episode of the 1st season and I find out:
She's an atheist who has a true religious experience and now has an angel following her around.
Now that stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm an atheist and although I might follow Buddhist cultural philosophies, I can't get my hands around belief ... spiritual or otherwise ... taking a leap of faith and just believing ... but lately I've been feeling a drive to do just that ... just believe.
So here is my question: "Can an atheist have a true belief?"
I believe in science, but at its base science has a belief system as well. If you watch the movie "What the bleep do we know" it basically states that at the core fundamental level, everything is belief and we really don't know what is going on. And in fact our theories only shine light on a small corner of reality.
If I look at it that way, I guess the only thing I believe in is my beliefs ... oh no, I think my brain just popped ...
Well, time to go down the next level ... how far do you you want to go down the rabbit hole? Follow me
- Steven
She's an atheist who has a true religious experience and now has an angel following her around.
Now that stopped me dead in my tracks. I'm an atheist and although I might follow Buddhist cultural philosophies, I can't get my hands around belief ... spiritual or otherwise ... taking a leap of faith and just believing ... but lately I've been feeling a drive to do just that ... just believe.
So here is my question: "Can an atheist have a true belief?"
I believe in science, but at its base science has a belief system as well. If you watch the movie "What the bleep do we know" it basically states that at the core fundamental level, everything is belief and we really don't know what is going on. And in fact our theories only shine light on a small corner of reality.
If I look at it that way, I guess the only thing I believe in is my beliefs ... oh no, I think my brain just popped ...
Well, time to go down the next level ... how far do you you want to go down the rabbit hole? Follow me
- Steven
Friday, August 8, 2008
Passion
What does it mean to be passionate about something? Dictionary.com says that passion is "any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling" and "a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything." Madonna has a song called "Crimes of Passion," people crave that powerful feeling that passion conjures up; we all crave the intensity of passion.
But what types of behavior does passion elicit? What do you do when you're passionate about something, someone, some idea, some place, some anything?
Recently I've been going through a new adventure, and I haven't been able to sleep. New thoughts keep running through my head, and my new adventure keeps pulling me from my slumber and not letting me sleep. Read that bold line again: "pulling me from my slumber."
This has happened several times over the past year, on several occasions, and for several different situations where I have been passionate about a topic.
It seems that passion seeps into your subconscious and won't leave you alone, not even in the middle of the night. It is the lover's touch, the idea's voice, the intense experience that wakes you in the middle of the night, drags you from your dreams and forces you to pay attention.
So my current adventure has made me passionate. And damn, now I'm addicted to being passionate about everything ...
So, it seems there is one question to answer: Are you passionate? That's the one question that should be waking you up ... Are you passionate? Answer that and see what comes next ... maybe you'll find out as it pulls you from your slumber.
See you on the wire.
Steven
But what types of behavior does passion elicit? What do you do when you're passionate about something, someone, some idea, some place, some anything?
Recently I've been going through a new adventure, and I haven't been able to sleep. New thoughts keep running through my head, and my new adventure keeps pulling me from my slumber and not letting me sleep. Read that bold line again: "pulling me from my slumber."
This has happened several times over the past year, on several occasions, and for several different situations where I have been passionate about a topic.
It seems that passion seeps into your subconscious and won't leave you alone, not even in the middle of the night. It is the lover's touch, the idea's voice, the intense experience that wakes you in the middle of the night, drags you from your dreams and forces you to pay attention.
So my current adventure has made me passionate. And damn, now I'm addicted to being passionate about everything ...
So, it seems there is one question to answer: Are you passionate? That's the one question that should be waking you up ... Are you passionate? Answer that and see what comes next ... maybe you'll find out as it pulls you from your slumber.
See you on the wire.
Steven
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Failure is not an option
I'm sure you have heard the phrase "Failure is not an option" many times before. There is a book entitled "Failure Is Not An Option" about education reform, and another "Failure Is Not An Option" about the space program and a statement said during the Apollo 13 mission.
However, as most of us know not only is failure an option, but it is a real path that happens all the time. In his blog, Alexander Kjerulf writes that the failure is not an option mantra needs to go and get replaced by "Failure happens. Deal with it."
I have a different point of view. I say that not only does failure happen, but we should be looking to fail as frequently and as quickly as possible ... my intention is to "Fail Forward Fast" I don't know who I heard that from (maybe Peter Drucker), but it stuck. Success doesn't usually come in a straight line. It is usually littered with many failures. We don't learn to walk and talk the first time we try ... so why should other things come so easily.
I say failure with gusto. If you are not failing you are not trying hard enough. The key is to increase your cycle time. To increase the speed at which you can fail so you can quickly try something else. "Fail Forward Slow" is an excruciating path that you don't want to be on.
In the "Book of 5 Rings", the author (an old world Samurai) has to deal with failure (in his world death) on a consistent basis. Not only is he not afraid to die, he actually seeks it out. He doesn't make decisions out of fear of failing. He just makes decisions based on how to live ... failures or not. And that is where you and I want to be ... looking for failure ... expecting it ... pushing for it ... pushing our limits so we get the chance to fail ... and then ... of all things ... when failure is not only just an option but a probability ... we'll find success.
See you on the wire
Steven
However, as most of us know not only is failure an option, but it is a real path that happens all the time. In his blog, Alexander Kjerulf writes that the failure is not an option mantra needs to go and get replaced by "Failure happens. Deal with it."
I have a different point of view. I say that not only does failure happen, but we should be looking to fail as frequently and as quickly as possible ... my intention is to "Fail Forward Fast" I don't know who I heard that from (maybe Peter Drucker), but it stuck. Success doesn't usually come in a straight line. It is usually littered with many failures. We don't learn to walk and talk the first time we try ... so why should other things come so easily.
I say failure with gusto. If you are not failing you are not trying hard enough. The key is to increase your cycle time. To increase the speed at which you can fail so you can quickly try something else. "Fail Forward Slow" is an excruciating path that you don't want to be on.
In the "Book of 5 Rings", the author (an old world Samurai) has to deal with failure (in his world death) on a consistent basis. Not only is he not afraid to die, he actually seeks it out. He doesn't make decisions out of fear of failing. He just makes decisions based on how to live ... failures or not. And that is where you and I want to be ... looking for failure ... expecting it ... pushing for it ... pushing our limits so we get the chance to fail ... and then ... of all things ... when failure is not only just an option but a probability ... we'll find success.
See you on the wire
Steven
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