Chasing Amy

I was talking with my daughter about the movie "Chasing Amy" the other day. And we were talking about the great scene where Silent Bob (what a wonderful name for a character) tells Holden about "chasing Amy" (full speech at the end of this post):

"I was afraid ... like I'd never be enough ... by the time I figured this all out, it was too late ... all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret ... So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy"

There's a great quote from Zachary Scott that says:

"As you grow older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do."

And that's really all that Silent Bob is saying. He regrets letting Amy go and not chasing Amy.  He regrets the thing that he didn't do. He knows it now, but it's too late.

When you look up regret in Google you find all sorts of interesting ways to live your life.  To not let regret end up being the one thing that gets you when it is all over. It's easy to let things slip by.  To let the daily grind interfere with a truly amazing experience.  Or to let fear, your gremlins, your internal critic, stop you by telling you how you're never enough or you'll never do it. Getting past that is what it's all about.

Of course you are going to fail.  Of course you are going to screw up.  Of course you won't get it right.  That's the whole point: Fail, Forward, Fast.  But start that business, go on that trip, chase that love, do something unthinkable and see where it lands you.  Don't spend your life chasing Amy.  Even if you crash and burn you'll be much happier with the experience than if you spend the rest of your life wondering "what if?"

So here's the question is:

"How are you chasing Amy?"  What person, place or thing will you regret not chasing at the end of your life?

Are you still ...

• Chasing a dream?
• Chasing that love?
• Chasing the idea?

What have you let go of in your life that you'll still be chasing years from now?  Who, What, Where is your chasing Amy?

If you can really answer that question, and make a change, and chase what's worth chasing you'll find a sweeter taste at the end of each day: Even the tough ones.

So here's my challenge:

Write down three things you'd love to chase.: Three nouns: A Person, A Place, A Thing.  Nouns you want to chase and are worth chasing in 2012.  Then write down what it means to catch them by 12/31/12.  On New Years Eve this year, what would you have to do to feel that you've at least gotten close to catching them.  And paste this on your wall, on your mirror, on your door.  And look at them once a week.  If you can do this, you'll be closer every week to catching Amy and not just chasing Amy.

See you on the wire.

-- Steven Cardinale

----- Full Chasing Amy Speech -----

Holden: What? What did you say?

Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.

Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...

Silent Bob: [to Jay] Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. [to Holden] I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.

Jay: When?

Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago? [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, which, as we all know, is a really dumb move, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to know, right? Stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he'd brought some people to bed with them - ménage a trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to that sort of thing. I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes.

Jay: Saint Shithead.[Silent Bob elbows him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]

Silent Bob: [to Jay] Do something. [to Holden] So I'm totally weirded out by this right? And I just start blasting her - like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her "slut", and tell her she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. And I'm like "What the fuck is your problem?" and she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye and tell her it's over. I walk.

Jay: Fuckin' A.

Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like...like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm sayin'? But what I did not get - she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was...she was looking for me, for - for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...so to speak.

So lately the universe has been screaming at me:

"Let Go"

I scream back

"Let go of what?"

And of course, I don't get any good answers back.  I guess the answer is to let go of all the things in your past.  Maybe it means to let go of what I found in 2011.  Maybe since Chinese New Year started January 23, 2012, and it's the year of the Dragon (my Chinese animal sign is Dragon as well), I need to let go of everything before the Chinese New Year.

I get it.  I get that I hold on to things too long.  That I hold on when I should be releasing.  Ok, maybe I like the control.  Maybe I need the control.  Maybe I need to lose the control.  After all holding on is really an illusion.  You really can't hold on to things; either they stay around without your control or they don't. Letting go of everything is really the only way to keep what's important.

But sometimes it's hard to let go of the past. To let go of the people, places and things of the past: Your grammatical history.

• The past nouns that helped define your roles.
• The past verbs that specify what you've done and what you do
• The past adjectives that give the color to who you are

Your grammatical history are merely words.  Merely labels and names we give ourselves (see the "What's In a Name" post) to help fill the void.  Letting go of those words is tough.  I don't know if I'm ready to let go of certain parts of the people, places, and things that defined who I am but may not define who I'm going to be.  It's scary.

Joseph Campbell's quote is a good signpost since it gives us a glimpse at how to move forward.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell

So how do you when it is time to walk away? Time to let go.  Sugar Ray Leonard said that it's time to let go when a man "doesn't have the same passion and commitment" that he used to.  That's when it's not just a rough spot, not just a dip, but time to let go.  I think he's right.  I say "when the story no longer rings true" then it's time to let go, lose control, and see what's around the corner.



So here's the question -

"What are you willing to let go of?" and is it time to "let the past go, so the future can reveal itself?"

The answer to that question appeared to me before I finished typing those words.  Now I know what I need to let go of ... do you?



So here's the challenge -

Can you ask yourself a better question?  Not the question of "Who am I?" (which is based on "who was I"), but the better question of "Who am I willing to become?"

We always have a good answer to the question of who we are or who we were, but it's the wrong question.  A better question is where all the juice is.  A better question requires a better answer.  The better question of who will we be from now on.  Stop answering tired, old, used up questions and new answers will make themselves known.



So do the work of letting go, scream back at the universe that you have

Let go

Then be quiet, really quiet, feel the space, and listen to what comes back.  You might be surprised at what you hear.



See you on the wire

-- Steven Cardinale