Show Me, Don't Tell Me

There is an old Rush song on their Presto album called "Show me don't tell me" (see the Youtube video). The title of this song is the perfect fit for this post which could be titled "Arrogance vs. Self Assurance", but "show me don't tell me" seemed to fit so much better, because this post is just another facet to being alpha.

I know that a running theme in this blog is having an alpha status (alpha male, but male has nothing to do with it). And part of having an alpha status is understanding that showing qualities is the only thing that counts, and telling of good qualities not only doesn't ring true to others, but demonstrates insecurities.

Alright, so this theme has been flying around my interactions quite a bit lately. In fact, just being aware (which will be the subject of a future post) of showing and not telling, has been a big part of last week. It seems that many people are constantly telling me how wonderful they are: how smart, how charming, how good looking, how adventurous, how driven, how passionate, how successful, how rich, how determined ... but the mere fact that they are telling me implies that they are not any of those things. In fact people who are good looking, charming, smart, successful, wealthy, determined, spend their time being those things and don't spend their time talking about it.

As is typical of my analysis, if you push something to it's limit you can get an interesting thought experiment, so let's push this: George Clooney, Hugh Jackman, Angelina Jolie, and all the other good looking actors in Hollywood, don't spend time telling you how attractive they are. In fact they are rather shy. Rather they simply show up and people quickly figure out they are attractive ... and ALPHA.

ALPHA's ... ie leaders of the pack ... don't have to tell you they are XXX, they simply are XXX and it shows through.

So, here is the question of the week:

"How do I make sure that people see I'm XXX (which is being self-assured) and not tell people I'm XXX (which is being arrogant)?"

Simple. Make sure to let people know what you've accomplished in a simple and non-pretentious way and they will quickly understand where you fall in the pack. Let me give you a couple of examples:

* If you want people to know you are smart, then create, post, write, lecture, blog about interesting topics

* If you want people to know you are good looking then dress in style, go to events where you'll be seen, take fashion chances

* If you want people to know you are driven, then make sure that you accomplish many things that are difficult for others

Basically if you want to be remarkable, then do remarkable things (see my previous post on being remarkable).

Or better yet if you are truly alpha, then just simply do those things and don't worry about anyone else knowing you are doing them. Just doing them is enough for you.

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Are You Remarkable?

Am I Remarkable? That is a very interesting question, from a personal as well as a business point of view. One of the marketing pundits out there (Seth Godin) has an entire blog post about it. Really the question is:

"Am I being valuable to others?"

Valuable enough for them to remark on me (hence the "remarkable" part).

This post is about personal value. I believe that all human relationships must provide value from both sides of the relationship, otherwise very quickly (and I'm talking hours/days/weeks ... not months/years/decades), the relationship will wither and die. And this value must constantly be provided. You must constantly be valuable ... be remarkable ... but WHY?

Why? Because the person on the other side of the relationship is spending time, energy, value, on you to maintain the relationship, and if you don't offer value in return, they will spend that time, energy, value somewhere else where they can receive something in return. It is self-centered and self-deceptive not to do so, and very few relationships will survive when one side is giving most of the value. You see this in friendships, lovers, business partners, employers, customers, parents ... all human relationships.

And when you don't pay attention to the value you provide you see the downside in divorce, long-lost friends (why do you think they were lost in the first place), break-ups, business dissolution's, terminations, lost customers, estranged children.

The first part of the previous sentence is important: "when you don't pay attention." Attention to how the other person sees your value. You must be valuable, be remarkable, to the other person, not to yourself ... that is where the self-delusion comes in. When you say "I thought I was remarkable" is when you are in trouble. You need to say "I know I am remarkable because the other person ... "

So here's my 3 step plan to being remarkable and keeping those important relationships in your life:

1.) Pay attention to how other people react to you. - Do they react the same to you as they do to everyone else? If so, then you are not remarkable.

2.) Assume you are easily replaceable. - This is a tough one, because it requires you to look in the mirror and find your flaws. But the truth is, you probably are not the only one who could be in this relationship

3.) Do one thing every day/week/month that makes you irreplaceable. - Figure out how to provide some value that makes your different. Makes you remarkable. And the more value the other person provides, the more remarkable you'll have to be to keep the relationship alive (eg. just think about how good looking you'd have to be to stay on Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie's radar)

Attention/Assumption/Activation - (the activation part is point 3 above).

Simple to understand - Hard to do ... but if you do it ... do it well ... do it in all your relationships ... you will be ... well ... remarkable

See you on the wire

- Steven Cardinale

Judgement 2 - The Sequel

I was engaged in a discussion with a very close friend the other day and I heard the language of judgment coming from her. You know the words: "I should have ...", "What will he/she/they think ...", "If only I ...", "I don't know, maybe I'm wrong ..." And so many others.

Of course when I hear the language of judgment I can feel the thoughts of our internal critic rising to the surface. I already made a post on Judgment, but this is a piece that keeps coming back again and again. And it is the language piece that has struck me this time. The language of thought is something I blogged about previously, but it seems to be a key in understanding behavior. If we can understand our language and then believe that our language reflects our thoughts (especially our unconscious thoughts which drive our behaviors and actions) then we might just get a glimpse into the baggage we carry that is causing us to judge (both ourselves and others).

I'm not saying that judgment necessarily is a bad thing. We can all easily judge a criminal and say that their actions are inappropriate. That is not the type of judging I'm talking about. What I'm referring to is the kind of judging that we all do and are unaware that we are doing it ... EXCEPT WHEN WE SPEAK FREELY IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.

Our language betrays us. Our language for an instant when we are not censoring ourselves, allows our true thoughts to come through and allows us to see clearly (which is much harder than you think) and look in the mirror to see what we are judging.

So my challenge to you is to recognize when you are making a judgment ... and don't judge that judgment, simply see it as a judgment. We'll come back to dealing with the judgment ... for now, it should be enough to try and recognize that the judgment is there.

See you on the wire
- Steven Cardinale